Once upon an imagination

December 2006

2011-05-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

LittleOhki: you should tell me a story! You're good at stories
ChouChou115: Once upon a time in a land where candy canes grew instead of trees and mini marshmallows fell instead of snow (so that when you were leaving your favorite cafe, your hot coco would taste extra sweet) there was a little girl named Lolo. Lolo was average. 5"5'. Brown hair. Green eyes, but she had the most captivating and loving personality EVER, so that wherever she went people found themselves drawn to her. They wanted to be near her in hopes that some of her postive energy, happiness and goodness would rub off.
ChouChou115: Despite all of this however, Lolo was lonely.
ChouChou115: she wanted a friend to make cakes for and hold hands with...someone to be her partner in crime
ChouChou115: but every one just wanted to her "friend". Nothing more. Nothing less.
LittleOhki: :-(
ChouChou115: And it it common knowledge that a partner in crime must be there for the long run. There for the ups as well as the downs.
LittleOhki: definetly
ChouChou115: you cant risk having someone desert you and tell your secrets of the great candy store theft of '98, where all the chocolate disappeared without a trace by morning...
LittleOhki: !!! no more chocolate!
LittleOhki: heehee... i bet lolo ATE it all! or made it into cakes :P
ChouChou115: However, one day in the ice cream store she stumbled across someone who ordered the same delicious combo of peppermint ice cream, sprinkles and gummy bears as her! It was a sign.
ChouChou115: he was bad ass
ChouChou115: and tough
ChouChou115: and he drove a motorcycle. Really. Really. Fast.
LittleOhki: EEEH!
ChouChou115: he didn't want a silly girlfriend
LittleOhki: :-(
ChouChou115: but he was looking for a mischevious lady would would help him figure out what to do with the products and outcomes of his mischief (of which resulted in a giant sized....think uncle scrooge, duck tails sized.... safe filled with glitter, chocolate, candies, books, paper, glue, games, vespas etc)
ChouChou115: and he thought she'd do
LittleOhki: :-)
ChouChou115: he thought they'd make a quite a team, and he was right.
ChouChou115: They went out, played and made mischief of one kind and another.
ChouChou115: They bought deep cherry red paint to paint the town with
LittleOhki: :-)
LittleOhki: !!!
ChouChou115: they made such a mess
LittleOhki: eeh! :-)
ChouChou115: but one day, when they were planning to cut down all of the candy cane trees to make a fortress out of....
ChouChou115: he didn't show up
LittleOhki: :-(
ChouChou115: and she didn't see him for 2 weeks
LittleOhki: :-(
ChouChou115: and when she did finally see him he was hanging out with another girl....average, like her...but no where near as awesome. She was angry, but determined that she would someday get the last laugh. Fortunately, her last laugh came sooner than expected, for one week later he tried to take this new girl out on a mischief seeking extravaganza filled with candy from the candy shop liberations, puddle jumping and leaf kicking
ChouChou115: but she sucked.
LittleOhki: haha! yay
ChouChou115: she accidentally hit the alarm when they were liberating the candy and they had to run away empty handed...the puddles she found weren't deep enough to make a mark and the leaves she found were too wet to kick up into the air and have fall down like powdery snow
ChouChou115: by the end of the day the boy with the motorcycle realized that the girl he "got tired of" and "didn't want to commit to" was the only one that could be his perfect partner in crime
ChouChou115: but by then it was too late.
ChouChou115: she had already built a candycane fortress and empire on her own
LittleOhki: !! good for her!
ChouChou115: and was wooed and loved by all
ChouChou115: she was wooed until she found someone perfect... who knew, like her which leaves were good for kicking and which flowers were perfect for picking and where and when to make mischief and how to get away without a trace...as if by magic
ChouChou115: and they lived happily ever after
LittleOhki: :-)
LittleOhki: yay i loved your story!
ChouChou115: The End!

June 2007

2011-05-15T22:10:00.002-07:00

Once upon a time there lived a girl. She was a dreamer and a make believer. She saw different worlds and was always oh so very disappointed in herself when she tried to paint them because they were never exactly like what she saw in her mind. She had the most vivid dreams too! She dreamed of escape and intrigue and purple giraffes. She dreamed of traveling and flying. She dreamed of what different people would be like if their skin color changed with their mood and she dreamed of perfect weekends away with her sister where they would sit in east coast cafes and drink coffee and eat cake (with extra frosting on the side of course). She usually only had dreams once, but that changed one day. She started having this reoccurring dream about a boy. He seemed quite real sometimes. In some of her dreams he was smart and in others he was creative and intelligent and in other reoccurring dreams he was a bodyless shoulder suited perfectly for a head to rest on. But because it was only a dream it was ephemeral and unpredictable. Some months she had the dream and others she didn't, no matter how hard she tried, or how lonely she was.
Then one day she decided that if a boy could be a dream, then perhaps she too, was a dream...and if she were merely a character in a dream, she could do whatever she wanted. And, in a swirl of phantasmagorical light the world changed. The trees were now purple, the sky polka-dotted and she now looked different, felt different and was different. She began to eat cookie dough ice cream instead of mint chocolate chip, she slept on her stomach instead of her back and she began writing in rhyme instead of reason.

So this girl, when she sadly realized that she could not keep the boy (like she wanted so terribly bad to do), because he was only a dream and because she too was a only a character in a dream, she decided to live up her new life. She played and frolicked and howled with friends in classes that were not theirs. She baked parrot cakes and peach pies and this went on for years. She was so happy and her reoccurring dream began to visit her less frequently and she slowly began to be ok with this. However, one day, roughly 3 dream-years later (kind of similar to dog years, but a bit longer), in the middle of a pirouette, she stopped. There was sudden thought that struck and it made her stumble and fall. She realized that she was afraid and she knew that ballet slippers and pink tutus wouldn't be able to take that fear away this time. Her usual tacts might not work this time. She was afraid of the future. She was afraid of transition and change. She had gotten so comfortable with her world, she was even comfortable with the things in this dream world that made her distressed and cry. What if she were to wake up from this dream one day? What if the trees went back to being green? What if she stopped having time to paint and climb her giving tree? What if, in the middle of some adventure abroad, she were to realize that she was terribly, heartbreakingly lonely? What would she do then? How do you live outside of a dream? What do you do when you look up and the sky is no longer polka-dotted but a calming shade of blue?

She thought about this for quite a while. She began finding herself in the middle of class stuck in the doledrums, in her thoughts, in a daydream and then suddenly coming to, when the sudden hand raise of 3/4s of her classmates caught her eye. She pondered, and went on walks and had quite serious conversations with her fluffy white cat, who reminded her that all she needed to do was stretch and sleep and curl up and purr on someones head when they were distressed (or some human equivilant). This was good advice for her to feel.

After some quite serious deliberation she finally made a choice. She decided that she was going to be OK, because she had to be OK. She chose to hope and chose to live in her dream and keep wearing her ballerina slippers when she wanted to dance and her fake glasses when she wanted to buckle down and do work. She decided that she would keep on dying her hair when he life needed a change of pace. And she decided that smiling felt so good and doing nice things for other people felt even better and that she would keep on doing this and be happy.

And that is exactly what happened. She lived happily, and sometimes sadly and sometimes confusedly, and sometimes adventerously, and sometimes compassionatly, passionatly ever after.
The End.

Once upon a Place

2011-05-15T22:10:00.001-07:00

Once upon a place, because "once upon a time" has been used far too often and is begining to lose it's magic...

Anyway, Once upon a place there lived a girl who didn't quite stand out. She was ordinary. She had adventerous stories, but none that she could turn into books, she loved the theater and the arts, but was too shy to be an actress and she was cultured and well read, but to quiet and "nice" to argue and speak out loud. She simply blended in. She wasn't savy in asking for attention... knowing how to to say " Hey! Look at me! Hang out with me! Instead, she busied herself. She did homwork and read and filled out paperwork for her next trip abroad. She did things that she thought sounded improtant and she always said phrases like "I have so much reading to do" or "i'm so busy...I havent' slept in days" just so she could distract herself from things that she was feeling. She only drew attention to herself when she dyed her hair for a change of pace or when she bursted out in fits giggles when random people did silly things periodically throughout the day.

One day however, she didn't feel so ordinary. She felt happy...alive. She went to work early in the morning and had a dreadful feeling that today would be one of those hectic days where an extra hour of sleep in the morning would have been useful. However, at the end of her shift, when she said goodbye, she knew that she would be missed by the man with no eyes. And knowing that you'll be missed is a powerful thing. It holds a sort of magic that can't be seen with the eyes, only felt with the heart. The girl decided to go with this change of direction and let this new feeling take her where it may. She swam and laid in the sun and ate dinner with a friend and did the things that made her feel good and by the time she had to take her exam, despite the length of it, it didn't get her down.

Now this girl, already feeling like she stood apart form the backdrop and not just blending into it, wanted to take everything one step further. She had this idea and she had wanted to do it for a while, but was always too afraid and too ordinary to do anything about it. But this night, with it's clear sky and bright flickering stars, was different. She had found a partner in crime who had a bit of mischief in the corner of his smile and she had the energy. And so off the two went into the woods, down the hill across the plaza and down to the pool. And from that point on adventure, lawlessness, laughter, fence-hopping, swimming, very mild paranoia and trouble ensued. It was terribly fun and envigorating.

But, in a *flash* of hot pink and gold glittery light the Canadian Mounties appeared wearing their slick black pants, vivid read coats, chocolate brown boots and silly beige hats (fortunatly, none of the mounties had bayonets...for those are far too dangerous). The Mounties saw the trouble makers and tried to catch them and lock them away in a Canadian underground prison, but, either the Canadians were jet lagged by their time/place travel and were too slow or the mischief making duo were too fast, but one way or another the two were able to jump out of the pool, hop the fence, run through the sprinklers and escape into the night and neither of them looked back until they were safe inside the warmth of the house.

Ummm...there is more to say, and A LOT to edit (but editing isn't something I do) but I think i'm done for now

The End!

Once Upon a February (2008)

2011-05-15T22:08:00.002-07:00

Once upon a February in an indiscriminate place at an unknown time there lived an elephant named Rupert Cornielus Barthalamew P. Jones, a name quite befitting of an animal with such big ears and such a grand imagination. Rupert Cornielus Barthalamew P. Jones, or Rupert as he was often called by those who knew him (despite the perfection of his given name,it was quite a mouthful at times)lived a happy life. He was(on most days) surrounded by love, friendship, excitement,bumble bees, Stargazers, orange roses, comfort, chocolate-covered-peanut-croissants and just enough responsibility and work to keep him grounded and give him a sense of challenge, achievement and independance. He was a happy elephant who could dream of, but couldn't really ask for more; life was just as it should be.

One day on his way home from... where ever it was he was, he found himself at the edge of the world. It wasn't exactly the edge of the world but, it being the ocean, was close enough. As Rupert was standing in the silky sand looking out at the water in hopes of seeing mermaids, pirate ships, and hot air balloons that rose up from past the edge of the world, he had an idea. He wanted to go swimming, just to see how far he could go. He had gone swimming in pools, rivers, lakes, streams and sometimes rather large puddles, but never in the ocean. He was excited to have something new to do. He stood in the place where the sand touched the water. He collected himself and mentally prepaired himself for jumping into water that he knew would be cold and would give his elephant skin goose-bumps. He took one deep breath in, exhaled, took another deep breath, held it and dove in! HE WAS SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN!!!! "How cool is this?" he thought to himself. He was oh so proud of himself for trying something new! He swam around for a while and then decided he wanted to explore the bottom of the ocean, so he dove down. But something happened as soon as he did that. He found something rather unexpected and he didn't know what to make of it. Instead of finding fish, bubbles, shells, treasures and little red and yellow plastic buckets that got swept away with the tide, he found himself in a place entirely new. He wasn't even in the water anymore.

Rupert looked around in complete shock and silence for about 56.7 seconds. He didn't know what to do or what to make of his new, peculiar surroundings. He had no clue where he was or what had happened. Instead of being in the ocean, which he knew and which he was familiar with (despite only swimming in it once), he appeared to be...he didn't know where he appeared to be, everything was so new and strange. There were animals with wild feathers, peculiar fur and behavioral habits that seemed to him utterly pointless and odd. He was standing on a very narrow, gray un-even sidewalk,the air smelled of fire and vegetables, he was shivering from the cold (this was MUCH colder than the ocean) and he was wondering where the snow was coming from. It looked almost as if he were in a snow globe. It was night and when he looked up he saw nothing but the absence of color and shapes. He didn't see clouds where he would have expected to see the snow falling from. He was curious. It was windy and the snow just appeared to be coming from everywhere. Huge flakes blowing form the right, the left, in front of him and behind...they were all swirling around in quite the flurry.

After another 56.7 seconds, he realized that standing around was getting him absolutely nowhere. He was shivering and his nose and ears which were both very large (especially in comparison to the other animals here)were very very cold and the cold was starting to spread to his arms, legs, toes, back, belly and tail. He decided to walk and get moving. If he was unable to stumble across answers, which he hoped to find, he would at least be doing something to warm up and he would at least be exploring (a popular hobby among elephants...especially elephants named Rupert). As he walked he slowly stopped shivering (which was good), but instead of finding answers, he just kept finding more questions (not so good). Everything he saw he enjoyed; he liked the novelty, adventure and he liked the story that was slowly unfolding in this strange place...the people back home would absolutely LOVE to hear it! He was happy for the most part. He was thrilled with his adventure, but he still couldn't find what he was looking for (answers to where he was and eventually, a way back home and he was getting sleepy. He decided to curl up in a nearby forest whose trees offered protection from the wind and cold. He hoped that the people back home wouldn't worry too much.

That night was filled with the most vivid, swirly, colorful, chaotic dreams and when he opened his eyes in the morning he was well rested, but it somehow seemed as if he had been sleeping for 6 months as opposed to 6 hours (elephants don't need as much sleep as people, just for the record). That morning he quickly freshened up by the river and set out to find the answers to his increasing amount of questions. He explored more, saw more places, met more people but to no avail. He didn't know what to do anymore so he just, almost in hopelessness, sat down. He cried little elephant tears of confusion, fatigue from all of his fruitless effort, and homesickness and once that was done, he had a moment of clarity and with that clarity came happiness and calm. He realized the he was going about everything all wrong. Instead of spending his time tirelessly looking for keys to open the mysteriously locked doors that this place was filled with, instead of seeking the answers that were not, could not be given, he should be living. Living his confusion, living his frustration, living his questions. He should be live everything and find beauty in the things that he is living. And at that moment, in that instant of clarity and calm, he saw a fish. And he loved that the fish was swimming in an invisible stream in the middle of this strange land and then he saw a whole OCEAN of fishies and he was back home. Well, not home, exactly...he was in the middle of the ocean, which only fishies, sharks and plastic buckets can claim as "home", but he knew where he was and he was happy. He swam up to the surface and back to the shore. He sat on the beach until a purple sparkely sunset started to appear and thought of his exciting adventure.

The end.

Jerome-Phillipe Ettienne Piaff

2011-05-15T22:08:00.001-07:00

Once upon a day with a periwinkle sky there lived a little giraffe named Jerome-Phillipe Ettienne Piaff. He was a French giraffe who lived for Sunday morning croissants, waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and coming home to see Stargazer lillies in a vase on the kitchen table. Jerome-Phillipe was kind, charismatic, selfless, spunky and a tad sassy, but only when he didn't get enough chances to nap in the sunshine or stretch his long giraffe legs. He was a happy giraffe and was very grateful for his (what he considered,)breathtakingly beautiful life.

However, despite his happiness and fortune, his life was not perfect. He was only 2 feet tall and for a giraffe, this is indeed quite small. And sadly, most likely due to his miniature stature, he didn't have many close friends. He had friends, whom he absolutely cherished here and there and he had had crushes and butterfly kissed girls in the past, but something was always missing. There was always a very thin, very frail piece of silver string that he couldn't quite cross, that got in the way of him making more friends... becoming closer with others.

Despite this pesky little piece of string that he couldn't cross and the things that made him sad when he closed his eyes to sleep at night, he still didn't want to grow taller. He stubbornly refused in a Peter Pan-esque way. He would toss his head to the side and suggest a game of hopscotch to change the subject. He didn't need to be tall; he was happy. He believed that he liked his height. He liked the hiding places he could squeeze into and the fact that since he was closer to the ground he could smell all of the flowers that much better. But most of all, he liked who he was, as he was. He knew he was an imperfect giraffe (like so many others) and he was ok with that. He was familiar with his size, accustomed to it and didn't want to change and grow. But really, and what he wasn't aware of, was that he just didn't want to grow alone. He didn't like the idea of him doing something that others didn't have to do. And so life went on. There were good days and bad days, play days, working days, caramel, fudge, strawberry and whipped cream sundae days and healthy vegetable days and he was content.

But one day, perhaps an apple and peanut butter day, as he was walking in his garden, past the hydrangeas and through sunflowers that were as tall as he was, he stumbled across a spottless toad sitting on a dahlia, who looked as if she had just been crying; she had a drained, sad look in her eye. When Jerome-Phillipe approached her and asked if she was ok, the water-works and tears that she had finally gotten to stop, came right back out and all the composure that she had managed to regain was lost in an instant. She sobbed and told him of her worries, troubles, stresses and heartache and how she had no spots like the other toads. How she didn't have the close friends she craved because she had no spots and how she was too afraid to grow them. She told him that it hurts so much to grow spots...to pull them out from inside so that they could show on the outside. It feels worse than pulling teeth out or someone pulling your hair. She told him how she didn't want to, couldn't grow spots alone; it would just be too hard...

When Jerome-Phillipe Ettienne Piaff heard this he couldn't believe his ears. Never before had he met someone that he could relate to and empathize with so well. He told her how his own problems almost mirrored hers. How he too, was afraid to grow. How he didn't want to grow taller because he knew it would hurt and he was afraid. He told her that growing taller, just like growing spots hurts... a LOT and that anyone who tells you otherwise has never really grown or is just plain lying. Muscles are pulled this way and that, bones lengthen, skin is stretched and tugged, your body goes into chaos and on top of all of that, you need to figure out how to adapt to your new, unfamiliar body.

You need to unscramble the mystery of how your new muscles work, how to get your body to do what it needs to do. He told her how longer legs require you to be steadier on your feet, because it hurts more to fall from a greater height and how new, taller bodies aren't as flexable so you musn't bend over backwards so much, how longer necks don't fit through all doorways, so you have to pay more attention to your surroundings, how old words would sound funny coming out of elongated vocal chords so new words must be sought. And how, in addition to all of that, new habits have to be learned because a taller, more curvaceous body won't fit into old habits and needing someone else to pull you out of an old habit that doesn't fit any more is always terribly embarrassing. He told her how it all sounded like so much work, so much thought and effort...so daunting and how he couldn't bear to do it alone. He was afraid to do it alone, he was afraid of becoming something different than what he was at this moment. He didn't know what it would be like, or if he really could do it.

And so they made a promise to each other, that Jerome-Phillipe would try to grow taller and Lilly-Anne (the toad)would try to grow her spots. And so they tried. They met each day and tried together and when it started to hurt too much or when one of them couldn't take much more work, they would both take a quick break (that would of course turn into hours) and they would play in the river or on the swings that hung from the old, gnarled oak trees or they would make castles behind the protective walls of the weeping willows. And through all this, they became best friends. They knew each other better than anyone else in the entire WORLD and their friendship was filled with unconditional love and they eventually forgot about growing. They stopped needing to TRY to grow. Growing didn't matter any more because they had found what they were looking for all along, someone who really knew them. Jerome-Phillipe didn't even notice when he was able to reach the cookies on the top shelf without needing to stand on a chair. And likewise, Lilly-Anne never noticed the day when the spots she had unknowingly grown had started to be able to change shape and color depending on how active her imagination was or her mood (no other toad's spots could do such a beautiful, marvelous trick).

They didn't notice their growth and that was ok, because they lived happily, magically, splendidly, chaotically, beautifully ever after.

The end

The Exciting Life and Times of Rosie Raccoon

2011-05-15T22:07:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time there was a sweet, clever little Raccoon named Rosie. Rosie loved colors, numbers, books, songs and playing with her friends Jessica Giraffe, Jennifer Goose and Melissa Moose.

Jessica and Jen loved Rosie very much and were so happy that they could play with her every day. They pretended to be lions in the jungle, speckled frogs on a log and on some sunny days they were even princesses riding their bikes to school.

Even though they were such great friends, Rosie Raccoon was growing up. She was great at math and reading, she could solve almost any problem and she would soon start going to school to learn even more! But this meant that she wouldn't be able to play with Jessica, Jen and Melissa as much. It was a little scary and everyone felt a little bit sad and that was ok.

But soon enough, Rosie was going to school and making lots of new friends. Everyone LOVED to play with her because she was sweet, kind and so great at so many different things. Rosie and her new friends were happy.

But from time to time, Rosie Raccoon would miss Jessica Giraffe and Jennifer Goose. Sometimes big hug from her mama would make her feel better, but if a hug wasn't enough, Rosie knew that she could always call Jessica or Jen to say "hello!" and tell them all she learned at school. And suddenly, they had even more things to share together!

The End

I like the Weepies

2009-08-09T20:27:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone,
What can you do?

You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

"Can't Go Back Now" - The Weepies

better answers to a few questions

2009-02-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get super shy, quiet and awkward around people I should be comfortable around, it happened again this weekend and I really wish I knew how to get over it. It used to happen a lot in college and I hate it so much. 1:1 I'm so good with people. I know how to talk and hang out and be socially normal. I don't get noticeably shy. And when I travel I'm super good at making friends with people in hostels and going out with people I hardly know, I even get along great with homeless (and oftentimes, mentally unstable) people but as soon as I get in a group of people that I know, but not very well the shyness starts to act up again. I love Joel and I love Caitlin and they're 2 of my favorite people at work and I know they don't judge me and when I'm at work or one on one with them I know how to hang out and it's cool but as soon as I'm placed in a new situation or in a group of people whose group I haven't been a part of in the past, part of me freaks out and gets shy, I get worried that people won't like me or that I'll come off as weird and uncool as I feel. New scenes also make me shy... like shows. I like going to them, but I haven't really gone to many in my life and so I feel like I don't fit in, or I'm not "cool" enough even if I do or am (i used to feel that way at bars, and clubs... it took me a while to get over that.... thank you Nicole (even though you don't read this)). I don't know. I'm weird sometimes, I still sometimes think about getting anti-anxiety meds, but something (perhaps just laziness) always holds me back. Even though I always hope hope HOPE that nobody notices how awkward and shy I get in random social situations, I'm always, secretly really grateful when they do notice and ask me if I'm ok (thank you marina).

Pictures: I used to LOVE getting my picture taken. I LOVE attention, I LOVE being the center of attention and that's exactly what pictures are... it's lasting attention focused on you. And part of me still likes pictures and wants to get pictures taken of me, but most of me hates it now. I started hating having pictures taken of me in 8th grade when I first became aware of how much I weighed in comparison to my friends (10lbs more... part/most of it was muscle from swimming and part of it was me being an early developer ) and ever since then I've hated pictures. I don't like pictures because I don't like my body... my stomach, my lacking jaw line and pictures remind me of how I look and when I see pictures of myself I always think "do I really look like that???" and then I get a little bit sadder and a little bit more disappointed in myself for not being in better shape. Don't get me wrong, I'm not neurotic about all pictures, there are lots of pictures of myself that I like.... I wouldn't have like 500 pictures of myself tagged on facebook if I didn't like most of them, but generally speaking, I just don't like having pictures taken of myself.

That's all for right now; I need to get to bed... work in the morning... ick!

2009-02-17T22:38:00.001-08:00

I like to bake for people when I'm bummed out and need validation. I'm also a huge fan of retail therapy, when I can afford it.

To Do List

2009-01-18T01:47:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, or later today I suppose, I would like to:

Clean/bleach the bathroom

Fill out an auto loan application

Clean... really really clean my room... vacuum, dust, hang things up, (really) make my bed... tuck in the sides, make sure it looks perfect, organize my drawers.... the works

Make a bag of stuff that I can get rid of and donate to goodwill as I really don't need 1/2 the things that have accumulated in my room.

Go to work and make money

Hang out with Larry

Hang out with Nicole and hopefully spend the night

Eat really healthy

Floss

Take my dog on a really nice walk

And I think that's it.

On a completely different note, I'm thinking about seeing a psychologist and seeing if I can get a a perscription for Atavan, or any other anxiety reducing drug. I was given some after my surgery and it was amazing.... I slept better and it made holiday family get-togethers SO much more bearable and I took my last one tonight before I went out to hang out with some friends from work and it was AMAZING! We went out to dinner, went ice skating and I had a fabulous time with everyone.... they're all just so splendidly wonderful and beautiful and I could talk to them all without feeling gangly and awkward. I think taking Atavan before meeting up with everyone (that I still don't know really well) helped me to be more myself... to feel the way I want to feel around these people, mainly, comfortable and at home and not so afraid.

I'm AWFUL at making new friends. I get really shy, really really shy and I back away and I find reasons not to call back and sometimes lie about not being able to hang out, even when I have absolutely NO reason WHATSOEVER to be shy. I get shown nothing but kindness, positive regard and efforts to be my friend. I have no reason to think that all of these people "don't really want to be my friend" and yet I do... it's so strange. I know that making friends takes a lot of work, that they don't just magically happen, especially the older you get and I don't mind working hard for something I really want (and I really want friends) but when the vulnerability card comes into play I freeze up so fast! It's ridiculous! But with Atavan the freeze-up doesn't happen, I feel more myself and when I hang out with people I can live in the moment and not worry about nonesense. But I still don't know about it. I don't WANT to take drugs for things like that. It seems like it's just me taking the easy way out. I don't WANT a lot of unnecessary crap running through my blood stream. Maybe I should just try a bit harder at really putting myself out there first and then, if I still can't, maybe I could talk to someone.

update

2009-01-08T19:52:00.000-08:00

breast reduction and FABULOUS (still relatively big) new boobs = FABULOUS

Grandma dying and now being without someone to dance with me in the kitchen = bad... very very bad; I miss her so terribly much. I was so close to her. le sigh

Retail therapy and finding an oh so sassy Betsy Johnson nightie on sale for $26 (originally $70) = Such a happy feeling

Sleep overs with my big sister = eep! I love it so much! I LOVE going to sleep with someone else in my bed! It's such fun to stay up and talk until I fall asleep. I love when we do sistery things

Spending the weekend chez Nicole= FABULOUS I can't wait to pack my bags for a weekend in the city

Having crushes on a hundred million different boys (coffee boys, work boys, stranger boys, suicidal boys, happy boys, T.V boys...) = don't really mind it. None of them will every go anywhere, but oh well, it's fun and tres entertaining!

2008-12-14T23:44:00.001-08:00

I've been really really really happy lately. That's all.

2008-11-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

I've cried just about every day this week. There's something seriously wrong with me. I wish that I still had Larry as a friend. He's disappeared and i've needed him so much recently. It's really bumming me out.... i'm down to 1.5 friends which isn't so bueno. But on the upside, I think i've been permanently placed on a route which means that i'll FINALLY get 8.5 hour days as opposed to 6 hour ones and hopefully that'll help me to sort out my life again

I want to buy....

2008-11-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

1. 2 new pairs of really nice/good quality jeans. The 2 pairs of jeans I own now have holes in places inappropriate for work.

2. Nars blush

3. Urban Decay eye shadow in purple, green, gold and brown

4. Pink Sugar purfume

5. A tandem skydiving jump

6. A place to live/rent

7. Either a Honda Civic, VW Jetta or a Ford Focus (What's your vote?)

8. Gel skin for my mac

9. Christmas presents for people

"How are you really doing? " or "Heavy Boots"

2008-10-25T21:15:00.002-07:00

I made myself throw up today for the 3rd or 4th time in the past 3 years. I heard really really bad news about a very dear friend of mine and I didn't know how to deal with it. My stomach got in knots and it was uncomfortable and I didn't like it and I just wanted for the feeling to go away and with less thought than I expected I did what I did whenever I visited/lived at home during the 6 years that I was bulimic. I went into the bathroom, turned up the music (so my mother wouldn't hear) and made myself throw up, then brushed my teeth, wiped my tears away (the force of making yourself throw up when you don't have to, has always made me tear up) and went on like nothing happened. I visited my friend and ever since I got home from seeing him, I've had to make a conscious effort to not throw up again. The idea is just in my head and it won't get out. It's a constant murmur in the back of my brain saying "Throw up! You'll feel better! No don't! It won't make ANYTHING better at all! Feeling pain yourself won't take away any of his! It won't solve anything! But it'll make the uncomfortable knot in your stomach go away!" over and over and over again. It won't get out and it's making it awefuly hard to concentrate. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do or say to make him happy enough to want to... I just want to be able to do something, to make it better, to make the pain go away. I want to know what he wants.

At the school for Autistic kids that I work at there are a LOT of self-injurous kids. Kids that will just get so upset and so frustrated with.... with their inability to be understood, to have their needs met, their inability to articulate, sign, say, draw what they need and want. They'll have to pee really really badly, but they don't know how to simply ask for, say "Bathroom" and no one knows what they need or takes them there from some psychic ability to read autistic minds and so they get upset and frustrated and you know they need/want something but not what and they'll take their fist and start beating the crap out of their head or jaw or cheek or start gnawing away at their hands and they'll work themselves up so much and they bruise and callous and bite themselves (and sometimes other people... i've been there 3 weeks and I already have my fair share of battle wounds) and they go through all of that just because they can't tell you that they'd like to use the bathroom. They hurt themselves because they can't say what they want and if I had just know that they wanted the bathroom in the first place all of that hurt could have been avoided. I was thinking about my kids all day today when I was with my friend. Maybe if he could just tell me, if he just knew what he wanted then I could get it for him and he wouldn't have to hurt himself anymore.... If he could just say "I want...I need.... please show me where it is" then I could get it and then he wouldn't have to hurt himself anymore. Or maybe it isn't that simple at all. I still have yet to decide if life, people, wants and needs, everything to do with living is too simple, impossibly simple or too complex for even words.

I like working at my school. I love working at my school. I wish it was closer, that I had more hours and that it paid better but I feel like what I'm doing is good and worthwhile. I love my job to my bones; it feels good to go to work, I feel like i'm good at it and that this is exactly what I need to be doing in this point in my life. It's hard, I have bruises, my hands look like I have a new kitten with very sharp claws, my mother wants me to do something "less dangerous" but I can't imagine, fathom quitting. I love all of my kids too much to quit. I HAVE to see them. They make me a better person. They've helped me to become more understanding, patient, they've showed me so many truths by being so different and so similar to "normal" kids. They just want attention and affection, but they want it in their own way in a way that will work for them. My first day working with Daniel was challenging. He doesn't like transition, or change; he needs warning, time to prepare himself (this is the last song.... circle time is almost over) and my first 45 minutes of ever working with him were beyond difficult. I think he was getting used to being at school and trying to get into school-mode and he didn't know me or what I would be like and so it took ages to get him to follow me outside to go on "pondwalk" and for the first 3 blocks of our walk he kept getting himself worked up and we kept needing to take breaks. I kind of think he was testing me. One time when he got upset I had to hold his hands to keep him from hurting himself and he went after me... he grabbed my arm and left bruises... I have 3 little Daniel fingerprints bruised into my arm and I just had to calmly tell him that it was ok, and ask if he needed a break or wanted to go back to school or keep walking and we took a break and by the time we walked to the intersection everything was ok again. He calmed down and he let me sing to him and give him flowers and the rest of the day was excellent.... he started to trust and listen to me and it was the most amazing day ever. The bruises he left were nothing but the fact that a crappy start to a day turned into an amazing day with a field-trip to the Oakland Zoo was moving. I love that kid so much. I love all of my kids; they're all so friggin brilliant. They inspire me. Erich Fromm, my favorite psychologist once said, conceded that the art of loving is exceptionally hard in American society.... where everything is a cost/benefit ratio, where people see the world through capitalistic eyes. People are "in our league" or "out of our league" because of the way we match up on paper. He's a football player, hot etc and I'm in the marching band, with a little bit of tummy chub and for what he's offering, he can get more/better etc.... everything is reduced to what we can get for what we have to offer, but Fromm had hope and a plan. He thought that one way to improve our mastery of the art of loving is to find "A career in which we can practice love without ceasing to function economically" and I think i've done this at my school, and I think that's why i'm so happy despite my life which is in a bit of turmoil at the moment. My job lets me care and love, and help and practice love... real love... showing and acting love instead of just saying it in words that get used far too liberally. It's a good job. Another thing that Fromm said that I like, believe and feel someway connects to what I do is that "We have faith in the potentialities of others, of ourselves and of mankind because, and only to the degree to which, we have experienced the growth of our own potentialities. " I think this is why i'm good at my job. I know my students can do so much, because I keep seeing them improve and do better and get the hang of asking for "bathroom" everyday I seem them improving and everyday I can see myself growing and reaching new potentialities. I see myself becoming better and so I can see them becoming better too. It's a nice thing to see at work.

Boarders is closing, so that's all for tonight.

P.S. I love you.

2008-09-25T23:33:00.000-07:00

Table of contents:

Pilgrimage
Larry
Closing thoughts

I’ve recently decided that I really really really NEED a pilgrimage. I need something physical, something to push me… to change me. One of my realizations since I’ve been back from Japan (I’ve had LOTS of time for thinking) is that I’m always my happiest when I’m on some sort of thing that pushes me, some sort of mini-pilgrimage. I’ve hiked Half-Dome, Mt. Fuji, lived in Japan for a year, did Habitat for Humanity in India for 10 day (so physically exhausting, but not nearly long enough), I’ve bungee jumped, I backpacked solo through Peru for a month and trekked the colca canyon in Peru (2X as deep as the Grand Canyon and the 2^nd largest in the world). I’ve done lots of little things, but nothing that I would qualify as a full-on pilgrimage. In the past I’ve really wanted to go to a Boot Camp ( I still want to) and I still want to go to a fat camp ( I know that sounds silly, but I want to go) and I don’t know. I think I’ve always CRAVED something challenging. I need to prove to myself that I can do things other people can’t do. I need to push myself more than other people need to be pushed. Anyway, so tonight I decided what my pilgrimage will be. It is silly and it probably won’t happen, but I had an epiphany and now the idea is rooted in my head. I want to go on Survivor. I want to be plopped down in the middle of nowhere with only the clothes that I’m wearing. I want to be part of a tribe (In my Moral Psych class we had a bit of a tribe and it was such a beautiful experience), I want to be physically and mentally pushed. I want something hard. I want to not have electricity, to not have conveniences, to find my own food, to live the way that people were originally supposed to live. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I. WANT. A. PILGRIMAGE. I want to be on Survivor.

Ok, that aside, topic #2. Larry. I really don’t know what it is about that boy that has me completely obsessed. I’m really afraid that I’m going to scare him away. I talk so much around him. It really isn’t good. It’s weird. I’m so bad at making new friends. I don’t know how to do it like a normal person. I don’t know how to be a normal person. I just get really really really excited about having new friends that I get kind of manic and neurotic and say things like “lets do this and this and this and be best best friends FOREVER!” And I know it’s bad because I get to the point where I have to say to myself “woah there…. Calm down little spirit fishy…. Just calm down”. But I NEED him so much. I really don’t have many friends. I have Larry, Natalie and Kelly and that’s about it right now. I mean, I know other people and I have other “friends” I suppose…. My sister and her fiancé and other people who I say hi to online from time to time but never see anymore (living in different cities/states/countries etc) but right here, right now, it’s just the 3 and so I need Larry to be my friend. I NEED more friends and I really really want him as a friend. I never feel like I have to be anyone around him; he never judges and he’s just a good, solid, genuine, nice person and he has this weird stabilizing effect on me and heaven knows I need more of that in my life. I really hope I don’t scare him away. I hope he wants to be my friend too.

Well, that’s all for tonight I think. I need more water. I also need to go to bed by 1 tonight so I can be at the gym by 10 tomorrow (I want to say 9, but that sounds a bit unlikely if I’m going to be honest with myself)

The End

lots of random thoughts

2008-09-22T01:41:00.000-07:00

1. I LOVE working. I like being around people. I like having a schedule. I like tips and cash. I like regular paychecks

2. DENIS CARON SUCKS because he:

a. doesn't care enough to read and/or comment on my blogs anymore

b. hoards notebooks that aren't completely his

c. doesn't talk to me anymore, which makes me sad because he used to be one of my most cherished friends

3. I had the BEST party a few nights ago. I had a FABULOUS time, I made new friends, I was silly and very VERY drunk, I kissed a boy and I got to see friends who i hadn't seen in FOREVER and I just think everyone had fun. PLUS it had added awesome points because it was a backyard gazebo party and we were able to bring my tv/dvd player outside and watch movies out there... YAY!!!

4. I LOVE Larry and I don't know what it is about him that has gotten him INSTANT best friend status, but he has it and i've strangely started obsessing about just how awesome he is. I don't know, some how it feels like he's connected himself into my life and he's stuck there now

5. I really really really like living with Natalie. Having her here is so good for me, it's so healthy; my house is much less lonely. I like having a person to talk to before i go to bed, someone to see and hang out with. Having her here makes my parents house so much less lonely and SO much more bearable. Thank you Natalie. I love you so much

6. GAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! DUDE!! I really friggin want to start working at my other job! Working at the gelato shop is great and I love it, but I want my 'real' job to start. I really want to start working in my field... with all of the adorable, fun, fabulous autistic kids at the ABC school!! I'm so impatient!

Hrm

2008-09-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

I'm good. I think I'm good. Things are changing.... well, I hope things are changing. I need a job and I hope I have a job. I might have a job, but it's such a long process. I've applied for a sub job and an Special Ed. Assistant Sub position at the Mt. Diablo Unified school district and a Special Ed. Assistant Sub position in the SF Unified School District. I've been fingerprinted in both districts and i'm scheduled for an orientation at Mt. Diablo and I should be cleared in the other district as soon as my fingerprint check goes through. So I know I might have work, but i'm just tired of waiting. I'm tired of sitting. I'm tired of not having money to go out... of being afraid to go out and spend any money at all whether it be on gas or drinks or brunch or baking supplies

Twenty Three list

2008-09-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

Recently i've been working on a list of things I HAVE to do before I turn 24. Up until now it's been mostly a mental list, but i thought i'd put it down somewhere, so here goes:

1. Get a job -------- Done. I have TWO!!!!

2. Move out and find my own place

3. Take, and do well on the GRE

4. Go sky diving

5. Go to Vegas (never been)

6. Go to a strip club (never been)

7. Banish all of the weight i've gained since my freshmen year of college

8. Go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium

9. Visit Seattle for a long weekend

10. Have 5 dates with my grandma. --------Done

11. Take the CBEST and MCAT -------- Nope. Don't want them, nor do I need them any more

12. Find my perfect graduate program

13. Work on being more decisive

14. Work on my social anxieties and not being so afraid to go out and hang out with my friends sometimes

15. Get a cell phone ---------- Done

16. Save $3,000--------------- Done

17. Go snowboarding or skiing

18. Have a picnic day at Mt. Diablo

19. Visit 1 new country (an easy/cheepish one to do.... Canada/Belize/Guatamala)

20. Start eating breakfast more regularly--------------Done

21. Find an exercise program or routine that I like doing and can stick to

22. Spend time with Ryan, Ariel, Erika, Zach and Kimmie. ---------------- 4/5 done

23. Spend more time in SF with my sister ------------Done and i'm going to keep going

That's all for right now, but i'm sure i'll add more later

Priority list

2008-09-02T01:39:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to go into the bad place again. Yesterday I was driving home with my parents from a family friend's place (mom and dad in the front of the car, me in the back) and I started crying and if you know me at all, you know that's a bad sign. I NEVER cry in front of my parents or anywhere near them; it's too dangerous. It wasn't crying crying, just just looking out the window and tears just starting to fall and fall and fall crying. Thankfully they never turned around and saw me. Today while I was driving to meet a friend the tears found me again.

Bad place.

I called another friend tonight which made the bad place a little darker. I feel like I'm drifting away from him, that I'm not as important to him as I used to be... lower on his priority list than I used to be. And I understand and it happens, but it's just making me sad and I think it's making me especially sad because it isn't just happening with him, it's happening with a few people, my sister (who should be my best friend) included.

I'm feeling lost and overwhelmed with starting my life over again. I feel stressed over not having a job I feel stressed over money and I feel lonely. I'm not the most important person in anyone's life right now and that's a very lonely feeling.

I'm starting to shut down. Build up Fort Jessica. Overwhelmed with everything so I do nothing and see no one, it isn't a healthy response but if i don't do anything or see anyone then I can't fail and I can't be rejected.

I miss my sister. I miss Denis. I miss Ariel. I miss Erika. I miss Ryan. I miss Jess and Hannah. I miss Anjeli. I miss mattering to people. I miss being a bit higher on people's priority list.

Readjusting to life back in the states is a lot harder than I anticipated. I'm not handling it very well. I really wish I were back in Japan... that I re-contracted.

Since I've been back

2008-08-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

My biggest realization since I've been back from my time living/working abroad is this:

Japan doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter at all. It doesn't matter that I spent a year living there on my own. It doesn't matter that I feel like my experience made me "grow". The effect it had on me doesn't matter. It doesn't matter in the same way that UCSC doesn't matter and in the same way high school doesn't matter. I'm not saying it in a depressed, pessimistic, 'pity me' type of way, but just in a very zen "huh! wow. OK. it doesn't matter. What's next?" type of way. And it doesn't matter because of where I am right now. It doesn't matter because it doesn't change the fact that the present is what it is. It doesn't change the fact that I'm currently 23, living with my parents and without any realistic vision of moving out in the near future...logistically i just can't afford it. And so while it's great and fantastic and wonderful that I did push my limits and do something completely new, it doesn't really matter. I need to move on.

Leaving Japan

2008-08-05T00:50:00.001-07:00

I’m sitting in the Doutor Café in Tsu Station with a little over 2 hours to kill before I need to be at Tsu port and in 5.5hours I’ll be up in the air flying away from my secure, known, loving, exciting, frustrating, infuriating, adventurous, karaoke and purikura filled life in Japan to... I’m not sure what I’m flying towards yet. I know I’m flying back “home” (is it my home? It hasn’t really felt like home for a while) to the states. I know I’ll live with my parents, and later my sister and later, hopefully on my own, I know I’ll eat copious quantities of Boca burgers and have severe withdrawals with the fish that I cut out of my diet, I know I’ll be happy to see everyone and my first month or so back will be a whirlwind while I try to find my footing, but outside of that I just don’t know what I’m flying towards. It kind of scares me.I’ve had such a strange cocktail of emotions the past few weeks (few months?) as the reality of my departure has started to sink in and I haven’t dealt with any of them; I’ve just been so busy. I’ve been busy with goodbye dinners, hanging out with the friends I’ll most likely never see again, setting all of my accounts, canceling phones and payment plans, figuring out finances, emailing my successor, cleaning, packing, cleaning, packing, cleaning again, buying goodbye/thank you cards and gifts, buying souvenirs for people, stressing out about not having the money to buy souvenirs for others, watching my money every so slowly creep down to zero, writing letters, comforting my sister and trying to help her deal with the Bar, trying to be supportive and loving to my friends (plural) who are dealing with some hard stuff, tying to find a balance between what everyone wants me to do, what I want to do and what I can do, cleaning, scrubbing, worrying about my little fishies (which I are staying with my successor… I hope she doesn’t mind the surprise). Anyway, getting back to my point… I’ve just been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to recognize or deal with all of the emotions I’ve had. But I know I’ve had them, because I’ve DEFINITELY noticed the symptoms of not dealing with them. I haven’t been sleeping (the main one); I’ve had manic bouts of insomniac cleaning escapades, I’ve been eating way more than I need to… I can’t seem to get enough sugar, I’ve been jittery, and at a loss for breath at random times and the biggest tip off that I haven’t been dealing with ANYTHING in regards to leaving my home was when I cried at the train station 2 nights ago… I was at the train station on my way up to Kuwana 2 nights ago and because of the fireworks that the city was having it was really crowded and I just started to panic and get sad and cry. I’ve buried so many emotions and reactions to leaving that I don’t know where to begin to unearth them. I feel like I’m in serious denial…. That’s the strongest emotion that I’ve felt. Denial. Denial of leaving, and denial of what leaving really means.

When I said the word “home” in my first paragraph, I had the startling epiphany that Japan has been my first real home (discounting of course, the time before I knew the full implications of the word “home”). When I was little I never needed to think about what “home” was…. It just was and there was no question about it. Home was the place where my parents and Barbie’s were. But as I got older and learned what ‘home’ meant, I realized that a home couldn’t just be a home because that’s what it is…. That ‘home’ is more than that…. That ‘home’ should feel different than that. And ever since I started to think of the word home (early high school), I realized that I hadn’t yet found a home. And I accepted that, and it was ok and I was still happy. But Japan is different. Japan is mine. My home. In high school I lived with my parents and I knew it wasn’t my home…. It was the only thing I had ever know as ‘home’ but it wasn’t completely home and I felt and understood that somewhere in my… in my spleen and then university came around and I moved to Santa Cruz and my parents home started feeling even LESS like home and although Santa Cruz felt more like home than anything I had ever experienced before, SC wasn’t really home either; it wasn’t permanent and I knew that. But Japan WAS home… is home. My apartment and life in Japan has been the first place that has ever truly been ‘home’ in the full sense of the word. I had MY apartment, MY bills, MY home decorations, MY music on as late and as loud as I wanted it, MY rent, MY job, MY salary. I made a life and a path for myself here and with it I took all of the responsibility and hardships and fabulousness and frustrations and love that came with it under my wing and it was mine and I was happy here. Despite my roller coaster of emotions and what the Jessica who was under the stress of the cultural/language barriers might say, I was happy and things were good. And now I’m leaving my first real home…. What does that mean? How will I cope with jumping from one extreme (FULL responsibility, ownership, independence, stability) to the next (homelessness, joblessness, instability, dependence)? What will it all be like? How will it feel? How will I feel when I’m in the thick of it?

4.5hrs till I’m in the air.

1. Negative.

I’m worried of what people will expect of me when I come back. I’m worried that I’ve gained weight since I’ve been here and people back in the states will notice and think I’m ugly. I’m a bit ashamed of not speaking Japanese after being here for a year. I’m worried that I’ve changed (I KNOW I’ve changed since I’ve been here) and I won’t click in the same way with the people in California that I love so dearly. I’m disappointed in myself for not saving ANY money. For not traveling very much and not taking advantage of the time I’ve had so close to so many other countries. I’m disappointed that I didn’t see more of Japan. I’m sad I didn’t get to know more people better. I’m sad that I had barriers. I’m hurt that I let my voice and opinions get quieted so many times simply by my inability to speak Japanese and not wanting to speak out at work or make any waves with ANY Japanese person in Japan.

2. Positive #1.

I’m proud of myself for surviving a year in Japan on my own. I’m proud of myself for working for a year at my first real job and not getting fired or dying. I’m happy, honored and privileged that I met so many AMAZING, intelligent, driven, divers, cultured, loving people this year and even managed to befriend a few. I feel like I’ve grown more into myself and that I have a stronger voice. I feel more confident and secure in my ability to survive alone. I’m so HAPPY I overcame my fear of singing in public…. Well, semi-public I suppose… yay karaoke!!! I’m proud of myself for learning how to fit in in another, completely different culture. I’ve learned to have the tiniest bit more patience. I learned that people are just people wherever you are and they’re all pretty much the same. Everyone recognizes hurt, happiness, confusion and the need for comfort or help regardless of which country you’re in and at least someone… some complete stranger will help you accordingly. I’ve learned that most communication is done without words and I learned this in 2 different ways. The first by watching Japanese people communicate with other Japanese people, or the words they choose when they speak English. Japanese people and in the Japanese language everything is so vague and reading between the lines is a key to survival. The second way I learned about the communication of silence was with my interactions with people who didn’t speak English. The foremost example in my mind was when I had to go to the hospital for my bike accident and the doctor spoke literally NO ENGLISH!!! (Yikes) He said things in Japanese and I said things in English and even though neither of us understood the other, we were still able to communicate meaning. He was able to comfort and reassure that I was ok and that I needed rest and water and that I shouldn’t worry and I was able to communicate my concerns and my appreciation for all of his help. We understood each other and the words we used weren’t needed, but used simply out of habit. I have more faith in people.

2. Positive #2

I’m excited about going home. I’m excited to see people. I’m excited to see my grandma. I’m excited to catch up on movies. I’m excited about 16 hours of plane movies!!!! I’m crossing my fingers for an isle seat. I have butterflies… strangely enough, they’re butterflies of the same genius as pre-performance butterflies. I think Japanese people are so beautiful, delicate and graceful. I LOVE Japanese old (grandpa-aged) men!!!!!!!!!!! They’re so cute! They’re my absolute favorite! I’m going to miss all of them so much!!!

3. Confessions

I LOVE J-boys! I think Japanese boys are the sexiest people ever. I love their muscles and their hair…. Le sigh, I love the hair and I love them in their yukatas. I love the baseball boys and the bad-boys. I’ve had crushes on some of my students…. They’re just so friggin CUTE and cool and…. Oh I’m going to miss them so much.

4. I’ll miss.

I’ll miss the fish. I’ll miss the strange snacks. Kelp snacks, tako snacks, crunchy snacks, chocolate snacks. I’ll miss the ubiquitous vending machines. I’ll miss Takeda sensei. I’ll miss my bike. I’ll miss the kindness and gentleness of everything and everyone. I’ll miss conbinis. I’ll miss the J-boys. I’ll really really miss trains. I’ll miss public transportation. I’ll miss humidity. I’ll miss kotatsus. I’ll miss winter and the snow. I’ll miss the JET events. I’ll miss my friends. I’ll miss the fashion. I’ll miss the stares. I’ll miss the genki kids. I’ll miss people being genki. I’ll miss crazy Japanese TV shows. I’ll miss the cartoons and anime. I’ll miss the festivals. I’ll miss purikura and karaoke.

5. I won’t miss.

I won’t miss the humidity. I won’t miss the language barriers. I won’t miss the cultural frustrations, I won’t miss my supervisor, I won’t miss having to go to work only to sit and do nothing. I won’t miss squatty potties (maybe a little), I wont’ miss dirty bathrooms with no soap. I WONT miss the GIANT bugs and spiders. I won’t miss the mosquitos. I won’t miss the loud cicadas that fly into me when I ride my bike. I won’t miss the ATMs that close at 9pm. I won’t miss not being able to read labels.

Ok, it’s noon. I’m going to stop here for the time being and head off to my ferry…. It leaves at 1, I’ll get to the airport at 1:45, pick up my suitcases, check in, and at 3:45, I’ll board and that will be that….eek!!!! Yikes! Yay! No! gaaaaa!!!! Way weird!!

dream

2008-07-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

I had the most, and the most cryptic and disturbing dreams last night. Fortunately or unfortunately, I only remember one of them. I was in, what looked like a hair saloon and I wanted to get something done to my face. My hairdresser started cleaning all of her tools and I laid back. This is going to sound gross, but in my dream, it totally wasn't. It all seemed normal and mundane. She then cut off all of the skin on my face and peeled it off just like it was a mask and then she started to work on my face. She cut off all of my bones in sections and while I was waiting for her to chisel them and put them back on in the proper way, I went on a walk. I got a bit lost on my walk and I started looking for jewelry for her (a teal bracelet). I realized I was running late and headed back to the saloon, where she was waiting for me (i felt bad for taking so long. Oooh! while I was walking, I started to worry that by standign upright i'd damage my face... that parts would fall and I should be lying down on my back). Anyway, I got back and she then started to put the parts of my face back on and sew the skin back on to make my face look better, more angular/thinner. It hurt a bit when she was working, but nothing too bad. And that was the end of that dream.

I had another dream where was playing a war game where there was a big room (a stage) with people in the middle (there was like 40 of us) and our job was to get from the left side of the room to the right and on both sides, the walls were curtains and the people behind the curtains ( who we couldn't see) were shooting at us, so we all had to crawl on our stomaches using our arms/shoulders to pull ourself to the other side (totally army obstacle course style). it was weird, and more fun and exciting and a game, than scary.

thought for the day:

2008-07-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

What if our heart is just like our bones? When you break bones or fracture them, they always grow back a bit stronger, more durable, better suited for doing it's job. What if the same goes for hearts? Every time your heart gets broken or bruised or torn (from breakups, oil spills, saying good bye, puppies in cages too small, global warming etc.) does it grow back a bit stronger, more durable, better suited to love and be loved. Do the tears create compassion and understanding in the empty space between the parts?

I think they do.

You got me trippin' stumbelin' flippin' fumbelin' clumsy 'cause I'm fallin in love

2008-07-17T04:39:00.000-07:00

I reached a new level of clumsy today when I literally rode my bike into a brick wall. It was night and I was on my way to the store to pick up presents for the teachers when I felt something hit my chest, I looked down and there was a GIANT (at least silver dollar sized) cicada on my boob!!! So GROSS!! I flipped out and tried to brush it off and by the time I calmed down I looked up and saw myself crashing into the brick wall, totally scraping up my right forearm. I really can't believe how clumsy I am some times... rather embarrassing!

On a completely different note, I like this passage:

Sometiems fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing direction. You change direction, but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, byut the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away and has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. something inside you. So all you can do is give in ot it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverised bones. - "Kafka on the Shore" Haruki Murakami

あい

2008-07-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

Things I love about 日本 (Japan):

I love how helpful everyone is
I love how the trains that are ALWAYS on time, cheap, will take you where ever you want/need to go in 日本 and how they don't run on gas.
I love the すし and さしみ　and all of the other wonderful wonderful delicious delicious Japanese foods.
Even though I hate feeling the humidity attatch itself to my skin and the wall of it that you run into whenever you step outside in the summer, I love all of the はな that result from it. 日本　is so beautiful, green and florid in the spring and summer. It really is amazing!
I love the コンビニs that are always open and that sell everything...coffee, すし, spaghetti, fireworks, flashcards, underwear... everything.
I love my さんねんせ at ひさいのりん. I love those girls to pieces and I:m going to miss teaching them so incredibly much.
I love my J-gram and J-gramps ふささん and あきおさん. I love how they took me in and wanted to make sure that I saw lots of the pretty things that Japan has to offer.
I love the curious stares from all of the おばあさん　who always look up from their farming when I pass by on my bicycle.
I love how all of the seasons are celebrated in this country and I love all of the まつり。
I love the religious tolerance and the philosophy of live and let live (as long as they can be nosy about it).
I love the politeness of everything and how everyone cares and worries about other's happiness.
I love bento boxes, how the portions (with the exceptions of そば, ごはん　and　らめん) are in control and I LOVE eating with おはし... forks seem so strange to me now.
I like that when people go away they always bring back little おみやぎ for everyone at the office... this country is so big on little presents, it's really nice.
I like being able to read and write ひらがな　and カタカナ。
I appreciate and love how everyone is always so げんき how big deals are made out of happiness and how all the girls always shriek and giggle and are cute and have fun.
I LOVE all of the animated signs and how everything here is just so　かわいい... how people recognize things for being かわいい and how it makes them happy!
I love how curtious everyone is.... how everyone bows to you even for the slightest thing.... letting a car pass you...
I love the Japanese boys with their oh so sexy hair and the　pretty pretty lolitas; I like how people put effort and care into their style... nothing is ever half-assed.
I like how you can feel the history in a lot of the country... so much has been preserved that keeps the country looking beautiful!

Status Update

2008-07-01T07:32:00.001-07:00

I'm happy again. With the exception of 2 more Tuesday classes, I'm done with lessons and I had a fabulous weekend that included much needed make-outs! Yay me!!!!

shift

2008-06-26T08:34:00.001-07:00

I've gone from being in a weird place, to being in the bad place again. All last week I was in a really weird place but I just attributed it to being sick (I was absolutely dying....nose, fever, no voice, the works). I was having a lot different reactions to and realizations about my experience in Japan and I was filled with conflicting emotions about wanting to leave while at the same time feeling that I'm not ready to leave this country yet. That somehow Japan and myself have become more interconnected than I anticipated. I kind of feel as if I'm part of Japan now and it's part of me and the idea of suddenly separating myself from my life here is weird. But now that my cold is waning, I kind of just hoped that my weird mood would go along with it, but it doesn't seem to be happening that way. It's kind of the opposite; i've gone from a weird place, to the bad place. The bad place found me today while I was on my way home from shopping in Nagoya. I was feeling a little lonely and weird and that turned into being sad and then the sad turned into not so happy thoughts. I realized that when it comes down to it, i'm not very indespensible, I'm completely replaceable. In a few months i'll leave Japan my life here will be over. I have really good friends here and i'm so grateful to have met the people that i have met here, but they're not really life-long relationships. After our contract is over, we'll all pretty much go our separate ways. I don't really have any strong ties to my relationships here. But I also don't have any immediate strong ties to my relationships in the states anymore. I love my friends and family, and I know that they care about me but that's not the point. It's.... Ive been gone for a year, I've been out of their immediate life for a year and life goes on and life continues.... it never really mattered or made much of a difference in the long run that I was here instead of there. And on the train these thoughts evolved into the thought that if on my flight home my plane crashed into the ocean and I died, would it really make that much of a difference? It'd suck and people would be sad, but would it really make that much of a difference? I havent really done anything spectacular in my life and I don't really see myself doing many spectacular (on a global scale... curing AIDS, becoming an amazing, revolutionary, love inspiring psychologist, stopping global warming etc.) things in the future. Anyway. my point being and the conclusion to my train/bad place realization is that, if my plane did crash in the middle of the ocean, would it really matter?

A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum

2008-05-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

To be more accurate, a funny thing happened on the way to Danielle’s cocktail party. I had the closest thing I've ever had to a near-death experience. I was all dolled up in my little black dress, lacy tights and newly cut and styled hair and riding my bike to the train station, trying not to get too dishevelled in the torrential rain when I got hit by a car. I had the green walking man and he had a green light and an unprotected turn that he wanted to do and then… BAM! SCREECH! CRASH! I was off my bike, up onto the hood of his car and then on the street with my shoe to my right, my cheesecake a few feet ahead of me, my bike on it’s side to my side and my backpack to my left. I started bawling. I lied in the road, in the pouring rain for about a minute trying to understand what had just happened and then I just started picking up all of my things and trying to get myself pulled back together. The guy got out of his car and called someone (presumably the police) and asked if I was ok, I told him I was fine. I wanted to get his information, but he was just speaking so much Japanese and I didn’t understand anything and I didn’t know what to do, so I just ran away. I just wanted to get away from him and from the Japanese. So I headed to the party and got drunk….plastered and I was happy again. My shock, confusion, adrenaline and anxiety were promptly replaced by rum, coke and a jolly time!

And then the next day happened I woke up and was fine… dehydrated, hung-over, but fine. I made my way to the train station to head home and at the train station I met a friend, Nate. Nate had left Danielle’s house a little over an hour earlier, but had missed his train by a minute and so I had someone to talk to while we waited for the next train. We got on the train and I started to tell him about my car accident, and how with the shock and alcohol finally worn off, my neck was really starting to hurt and then I started feeling sick….Dizzy, feverish, barfish, sick and at the next stop the train made I got my stuff and said something like “I don’t feel well, I have to go” and I stumbled out of the train and sat down. Next thing I know, I’m sitting in a different chair, my shoe is off (again) and both Nate and the train conductor are asking if I’m ok (where did they come from?!?). I asked Nate what happened and he said I passed out…he said he was getting his stuff off the train to see if I was ok and wait with me when he saw me pass out. I apparently fell off my chair onto the floor and into a puddle and I was out for a minute…my eyes were rolled back into my head and he picked me up and put me back into my chair and that’s when I woke up. I was so confused, I didn’t know where the bump on my head came from, I felt better, but I had no idea what had happened.

We got back onto the train, and when we got to Tsu Station (my stop) the conductor got me seated and within 2 minutes and ambulance was there to pick me up. The whole thing just felt so ridiculous. I was feeling better and I really didn’t want to go to the hospital, especially not in an ambulance. They made me get into the ambulance and lie down. They tested my blood pressure and monitored my heart and spoke to me in Japanese which I couldn’t understand and Nate (THANK GOD he missed his earlier train, and thank god he insisted on coming with me despite my efforts to convince him that I was ‘ok’ and feeling fine and that he could go hang out with the girl he liked who he was planning to meet and that I’d be fine) translated everything for me and made me laugh when I started to cry. I was crying just about the whole time I was in the ambulance and hospital…not bawling, but I just couldn’t help the tears from coming out. It was all so lonely and confusing and I wanted nothing else but to be back in the states, at home, with my sister. The doctors, attached things to my chest and ankles and wrists to monitor my heart and everything, they did blood work (which turned out fine except for my high cholesterol….wtf? how do I have hight cholesterol?) and they gave me a CAT scan, told me my brain was fine, let me rest for a while and sent me on my merry way.

It was the most intense weekend of my life. It was crazy, but the party was fun and Nate was a lifesaver! I still think I need to go back to the hospital to check out my neck and back; they’re hurting so FRIGGIN much! It hurts to move my neck and my back is in a constant state of sore…which I’m hoping is just whiplash. So yeah, that was my weekend. I’m currently bruised all over the place and my neck is killing me, but I’m well rested and I think I’m (at least mentally and emotionally) feeling better.

I am not, I have not, this is not

2008-05-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

My brother and I used to play a game. I'd point to a chair. 'THIS IS NOT A CHAIR,' I'd say. Bird would point to the table. 'THIS IS NOT A TABLE.' 'THIS IS NOT A WALL,' I'd say. 'THAT IS NOT A CEILING.' We'd go on like that. 'IT IS NOT RAINING OUT.' 'MY SHOE IS NOT UNTIED!' Bird would yell. I'd point to my elbow. 'THIS IS NOT A SCRAPE.' Bird would lift his knee. 'THIS IS ALSO NOT A SCRAPE!' 'THAT IS NOT A KETTLE!' 'NOT A CUP!' 'NOT A SPOON!' 'NOT DIRTY DISHES!' We denied whole rooms, years, weathers. Once, at the peak of our shouting, Bird took a deep breath. At the top of his lungs, he shrieked: 'I! HAVE NOT! BEEN! UNHAPPY! MY WHOLE! LIFE!' 'But you're only seven,' I said.

Nicole Krauss, "The History of Love"

2008-05-17T17:20:00.000-07:00

I can’t sleep and it’s driving me crazy! I’m on week 3 of not being able to sleep at night and what’s making matters worse is that the light wakes me up super early, so all morning I’m exhausted and then as soon as the sun goes down I’m on my second wind and awake and alert and COMPLETELY unable to sleep! I really don’t know what to do, or how I can get my sleep schedule back on track. I’ve started running and exercising…maybe I need to pay better attention to what I eat, but outside of that, I really don’t know what do to. I don’t even know how or where I’d go to get Melatonin, or at the very least Tylenol PM or Nyquill (I used to do that when my insomnia would get really bad and it helped me kick start my sleep schedule back into track).

I’m mad at my stolen internet. It works best (and almost ALWAYS works) in my kitchen. The living room is a bit weaker, but it doesn’t work at all in my bedroom, which totally sucks as I really can’t be bothered right now to get out of bed and I want to post this blog tonight.

When I come back to the states from Japan I want to look different. I want to go back with physical proof that I’ve changed in my year here…. That I’m not just back at square 1, that I’m different.

I like the movie "Across the Universe"; it's cute. I also like "Accepted"; it's funny...

2008-05-17T05:46:00.000-07:00

I want to be in love again. I think I need more love in my life....my day to day life. I'm listening to Beatles songs. They're making me cry for some reason. Perhaps I'm a little lonely.

Fish free

2008-05-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

I've recently realized how hypocritical it is to be a "vegetarian" and still eat fish... To arbitrarily decide that i'll endorce the cruel treatment of some animals and not others and endorce the damaging environmental effects as a result of fish farming and be against the negative environmental effects that farming other animals brings. So, I've decided to stop eating fish...or at least i'm going to try to not eat fish. I WONT buy it when i go grocery shopping, I WONT order it, if there are other things I can eat and I'll try to be more conscious about things. I'll see how it goes. I'm thinking that in Japan I won't be to strict about it, because it's really hard to be a vegetarian here, but when I go back to the states, i'll give it up for good. ganbaremasu!

Love on a Train

2008-05-14T05:45:00.000-07:00

I'm in LOVE!!!! Head over heels, jumping up and down, squealing and making other high pitched noises, cheeks blushing, love at first sight in love!!!! Sigh. I have to meet him again! I have to talk to him again... 2 minutes on the train home wasn't nearly enough!!! I've seen him on the train once before, but I was a bit far away and too afraid to say hi, or say that The Life of Pi that he was currently reading was a good book. And then I saw him again tonight! And we were on the same part of the train but again (as the story of my life goes), I was too afraid and shy to make contact, so I pulled out my nerdy psych book ("The Lucifer Effect") and started reading, trying to look cool and coy and...I don't know... and then he spoke to me! He said "good book?" and it totally took me by surprise. I stuttered out a "a..... it's umm a nerdy psych book. It is really good. It's by this famous psychologist" and he then he noticed the author and said that the knew Zimbardo and of the Stanford Prison Study and that's when I fell in love. It turns out he used to be a psychology professor in Australia (ie. nerdy psych kid just like me!) and he's been teaching English in Japan for about a year! And he's tall and he has blue eyes and cute curly blond hair and he's buff (not super buff, normal, but definitely NOT like the skinny Japanese boys!) and he's so CUTE and handsome and he has the SEXIEST Australian accent and I'm in love! Ooh! And his name is Lee (how sexy of a name is that?!?) and that's all I know, because after we said our "nice to meet yous" I had to get off the train.... Ooh! and he does give a proper, warm handshake....I bet he gives good hugs.

Anyway, I HAVE to talk to him again! I didn't even notice if he was wearing a ring...I need to find out if he's single and what he like and what he's like and maybe, if i'm super brave, I can maybe ask for his number..

Totally in love! Gahh! I'm such a girl, but I absolutely love it!! eeeehhhh!!!! Yay!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY4Epc2XSGc

Gary

2008-05-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

I love Gary and I'm completely blown away that he still remembers me. Spring quarter last year I worked with Ocean Side Supported Living. I cared for a blind man with cerebral palsy who was in a wheelchair after his legs had to be amputated after being trapped under an electric blanket that caught on fire. His name was Gary. Anyway, I worked for him for about 3-4ish months, I cooked for him, dressed him, drove him places, helped him with his work (read stuff, took notes), took him swimming, helped him shower and just helped him do everyday life type of things and then in June I had to quit because school was over and I wanted to move back home. I got an email from him a month or so into my stay in Japan asking how it was and just saying hi and I wrote him back (of course) but until today I hadn't heard from him since like October. I got an email from him just now and it just made me feel so so so good. I only saw him twice a week for 3ish months and he's blind so he doesn't even know what I look like and he remembered me. He's had a ton of people work for him; I know there's a high turnover rate for that kind of work... btu he remembered me. He told me he missed me a lot and asked how I was doing and about Japan. It just... it's just so nice to hear that sometimes. To hear that you made a difference, that you're memorable.

In Japan, when I'm not around other 外人 (gaijin/foreigners), mainly at work, in the supermarket, train stations etc. I just feel so anonomous, like I could be any other white person and no one around me would notice or care... like I don't stand out and I realize that and accept that, and it's just the way it is here and that feeling is completely balanced out by the times I am around my friends here and my friends here are SO amazing! Anyway, point being, it's nice to be remembered.

insomniac trends

2008-05-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

I havent been able to sleep lately and it's starting to get to me. It's been about 2 weeks since i've really slept. I don't know what's wrong and even if I do get a solid 6-7 hours (I usually need 8 to feel well rested, but I can usually function off 6) I STILL feel like crap. I've been a zombie the past 2 days and it's really not good and I'm not sure how to fix it. I wish I could just call in sick without feeling like a jerk and a bad teacher. I've only done it once in the 9 months i've been here...that's not bad, right? I should be able to call in sick again, no? And just take a rest? Catch up on much needed sleep? It's not like i'm a 'real' teacher at any of my schools... I've gone to sleep so many times with the intent to call in sick in the moring, utterly convinced that I would NOT, absolutely NOT be going to work the next day and then the morning comes with a pile of guilt at the foot of my bed, and I go in.

Once, in high school one of my teachers... Mr. Poppas, asked me if I was Catholic when I went to tell him that I used the same project for his class that I had used in another.... he thought it was the craziest thing how guilty and paranoid I felt. It was funny and he was really surprised to learn that my background didn't include guilt based religion .

I made a cheesecake last night, and I think it's going to be the BEST cheesecake EVER!!! Hannah is spending the night to night and whenever people come over, I always get into this silly Suzy homemaker mood...I put on a cutesy polka-dot/lacy apron, I clean and I bake and I listen to music and dance around. It's fun. Anyway, I've never had such a hard time with baking somethign before (which is why it's going to be an awesome cake....it had the whole time/love/effort thing going into it). My oven was the size of a microwave (my microwave doubles as an oven) and only worked in Celcius, I had a wooden spoon instead of an electric blender, a plastic, smallish bowl instead of a real bowl (metal, ceramic, etc) and so the sides squished in a bit when I tried to hold in in place, ingredients and measuring cups were in grams instead of oz and I had to be beyond clever to find Oreos for the crust. I really can't wait to have a real kitchen in a few months... but I think I might miss needing to be creative and clever whenever I want to bake; it's kind of fun.

I have nothing else to say right now. I'm going to go!

I want...

2008-05-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

https://www.gelaskins.com/skins.php?Device=1&Category=19&Skin=157&ProductCode=274

https://www.gelaskins.com/skins.php?Device=1&Category=19&Skin=122&ProductCode=240

https://www.gelaskins.com/skins.php?Device=1&Category=19&Skin=104&ProductCode=222

I bought a new ipod.... black, 80gb ipod classic. It's so beautiful!

I been thinking a lot lately about what I want to study when I go back to grad school. So far, I've come up with the following:

School Psychology

Criminal Psychology

Imagination in children and the ability to deceive later on in life

Violence against women and children in politically unstable African states

Children and lying

Eating Disorders: Dispositional vs. situational vs. systematic influences

Forensic Psychology

That's all i've got so far, but i'm sure i'll add to my list later on today

Lovely

2008-05-03T02:08:00.001-07:00

I'm having a perfectly lovely moment. The weather is beautiful...low 80's with a slight breeze, the sun is out and it's a Saturday afternoon, which means I have no school. It's perfect and its even more prefect because I’m taking advantage of it. Instead of hanging out at home (alone, because all my friends are out of Mie this weekend) maybe doing the dishes while listening to ER or some other crap TV show play in the living room, I decided to go to the park. It isn’t' the best park.... it’s super close to the train station (the reason why I know it exists) and so every so often I can hear a train coming or going, but there's grass, trees, flowers, little white butterflies fluttering about and I was able to find a small little nook where I could unfold my blanket and take out my books and laptop. I'm outside and listening to Rilo Kiley and I feel good. Things are good...things are great. I wish all of the moments in my life could be this lovely. Perhaps I just need more prefect spring days. I've always been good at entertaining myself. I think that's a good quality and I'm happy that I have it; I think it's part of the reason why I’ve always been able to go off on solo traveling adventures, why I’m happy for the most part and why I’m doing so well on the JET Program and the whole living abroad for a year thing. I like that I’m not the type of girl who needs to be in a relationship to be happy. I mean, I want to be in one, don't get me wrong; they're great, but I think I'm great by myself, especially with the friends I have.

On another note, I've begun to notice some of the ways that my experiences in Japan have changed me. I like when I notice the way things have changed me...noticing growth. I think I've changed into a more honest person. I noticed it about a week ago when I was in a situation where I would have acted in a completely different way than if it had happened last year. Someone told me something and I kind of went off on him. I was honest and I said what I thought. I was being honest with both myself and the other person. And I handled the situation in just a more honest light. What I’ve always done in the past is just blindly sympathize... I have this habit of seeing people through rose-colored glasses...attribute to certain people the quality of infallibility, letting them do no wrong. And I don't really think that's right, or something that I should do. I don't know. I know that I’ve changed, I can feel it but things are always just so hard for me to properly articulate.

I think being so removed from people from home, from the majority of society here due to my lacking language abilities, from ALL of my old habits and a lot of my previous ways of interaction, that I've learned to see situations in a more objective way. I think it's a more honest way of seeing the world. It feels good.

Ok I'm totally freaking out. This little punk won't leave me alone and it's totally awkward I was just lying down taking a rest and listening to Rilo kiley and he came over to ask for the time and I said it was 3 pm and then he just started talking to me in Japanese and I told him that I didn't speak it, in English and then he just kept talking and I kept talking back in English... and he's STILL HERE!!! I just want him to go away, but I don't know how to say that. I'm trying to type and not pay attention to him, but he just isn't taking the hint. Gaaaahhh! Infuriating. But at least it's inspiring me to write more on my blog, which is really what I came here to do...that, in addition to reading my book.

I started reading a new book. A complete psych nerd book and I LOVE it!!! It's called The Lucifer Effect and it's by Philip Zimbardo. It's really cool so far, but so so so heavy. I can't read too much at one time. I have to put it away after every chapter/section to let everything he wrote sink in... to process all of the graphic details that were written.

God! This is pissing me off so much! I just wanted to come here for some peace and quiet and to people watch and do my thing, and I really don't like him looking over my shoulder; I don't like being expected to talk and entertain. I can't really tell him to go away, because he wouldn’t' understand. And I DONT want to let him win. I want to leave, but I also want to steak my ground. I don't want to let some 28year old dude who can't take a clue win. Ok...plan B. No attention whatsoever. Completely ignore him.... since I don't understand what he says when he does talk to me and since he KNOWS I don't speak Japanese there really is no point to playing this silly game. I'm hoping it will work...that if I just pick up my laptop and start typing again he'll leave me alone. It isn't really working so far. . He was standing, but now he's just sat down and making himself quite comfortable. At least he didn't sit on my blanket...

He just isn't getting the picture. WHY is he still here?!?!?!?! Bah! God! I give up! I'm going. I'll just find another park. This one isn't all that great anyway. Friggin Frick. Stupid.

********************

I found another park and it's so CUTE!!!!! So after I let myself get run off by the dude (who I totally would have talked to if he spoke English, or made an attempt at getting me to understand what the hell he was talking about) I went home. 2 minutes after walking through my door, I realized how utterly stupid it was to go home and so I picked my stuff back up and set off again. I rode around and explored and enjoyed being alive and in the sun for about an hour. I rode around looking for another park to relax it and when I couldn't find one, I decided to go back to my original train station park assuming that the guy would be gone by now and I’m my way to the park, I stumbled across the most ADORABLE little hidden park. It's a really small neighborhood park, and the grass isn't as good here, but there are more flowers and...the BEST part.... are you ready for it? THERE ARE SWINGS!!! It has swings and bars and a slide. It's absolutely perfect. It's just what I was looking for. But, I might have to give up my spot again soon; a bunch of boys just showed up with a soccer ball and I’m smack dab in the middle of the field! But I don't mind moving for kids who just want to play soccer in the park.

I want a boy who will draw me the perfect sheep

2008-04-28T05:36:00.000-07:00

I’m in such a weird mood. Today has been such a haze. The sky is hazy, my thoughts are hazy, my mood is hazy, the passage of time is hazy…everything. It’s so strange. I don’t feel particularly happy, nor sad, it just feels like I’m not inside my body. I think it’s a combo of getting home late last night/waking up early this morning and partially because of the book I’m reading. It’s giving me heavy, uneasy boots, but I’ll write more about that later.

I had the most AMAZING time this weekend. I went to Kyoto to be a tourist with Jess and Hannah, stayed in a GREAT hostel and saw so much! We saw temples, shrines, castles, the1001 Buddha statues at Sanjusnagendo, the tori gates that the girl ran through in the movie Memoirs of a Geisha, we had a picnic by the river, went to the fish market, stuffed ourselves full of okonomiyaki, walked until we wanted to collapse, and went hiking to a monkey park. It was the best time I’ve had sine my sister left and it was just what I needed. And, to add icing to the cake, I picked up a new book! The hostel that we were staying at had a small little book exchange and one of the books there was The Bell Jar. I’ve wanted to read the Bell Jar for such a long time; I had heard so much about it. I was absolutely thrilled to find it! Finding books in English is hard enough (unless I take a 1.5hr train) and finding books that I’ve been wanting to get my hands on is always such a headache and so to stumble upon a book that I’ve wanted to buy for ages was just wonderful I was so happy!

I started reading it this morning and I’m about 2/3 through it and can easily see myself finishing it tonight before I go to bed. Sylvia Plath was such a great author, it’s my first time reading anything by her and I’ve connected with it so much…feelings of uncertainty, of having too many ideas about what to do in the future, not knowing which to pick, which direction to go in. I don’t know. She’s just started attempting suicide, but everything up until now has just seemed so relevant, so real. I really do love the book. That’s all for now

Almost…

I prefer cabernet sauvignon to merlot and red wine to white wine, but champagne to wine

I want a boyfriend. I want to be in a relationship and I think I should be, because I’m awesome

No matter where in the world I am, I always seem to be me and I think I like that. It adds consistency to a very unpredictable, unconsistant life

I have a HUGE crush on one of the teachers at my school. He’s the hottest person EVER and he’s the nicest person I’ve met in Japan AND, as I learned today, he drives a pink car. I think I love him!

I like hot baths that smell of flowers and candles

I’m going to cut my hair soon and I’m nervous and excited and it’s going to be completely different and I CANT WAIT!!!!

For pretty much the first time in my life tonight, I talked to someone harshly and bluntly. It felt weird… natural and unnatural at the same time. I was perhaps being a little rude but I was 100% honest and didn’t sugarcoat anything I said with BS responses like “I’m so sorry babe” “that sounds like a difficult position to be in…I wish there was something I could do to help” and that’s really really new for me. I didn’t sacrifice what I really thought/felt for what I thought the person wanted to hear and I didn’t give any sympathy, because I didn’t really feel like sympathy should be given and that’s a first for me. I’m proud of myself. And I was surprised, shocked at how well it was received…he said he LIKED (?!?!?!) how blunt I was being. I always thought/felt as if…if I ever said anything that wasn’t sweet or nice or sympathetic or peace making I would be HATED...that people would leave me and wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore because who could possibly want to be friends with someone who wasn’t super nice and supportive? If I lost my sweetness…who was I? What was I worth to a person? What did I have to offer? Why would they still want to be my friend? I feel good. I feel empowered. I feel like, even though I’ve only really hung out with him a few times that he’s true friend, and I love him for it. .

I feel lucky to have the friends that I do… Kelly, Adelina, Natalie, my sister, Denis, Ryan, Jess, Anjei, Hannah, Ariel. I love them all terribly.

I love my students and some of my coworkers, but I HATE my job. I’m happy that tomorrow is a holiday

I like that I’m drunk off good wine and listening to great music

I want new music…new cds

I like blogger…it’s prettier

I believe

2008-04-22T03:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget what I believe in and I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself. Sometimes I have to stop, think and remind myself. And then other times, like today, i remember out of the blue some random puzzle piece of my belief system. What I remembered today was this:

I believe that whenever I need to get a better hold on myself, whenever I need to understand my own world a bit more clearly, I need to immerse myself in something completely unfamiliar... a new world; only then can I understand my own. I need a place where I can start from scratch. When Marshal broke up with me, I traveled to Peru (that was the start of my travel bug, for the record) and i came back to the states with my first real, solid sense of self. I knew who I was and what I wanted and I had never had so much self-confidence. It was only when I removed myself from my world that I was able to understand myself in that world and understand the world itself. I think that the same thing has happened this year in Japan. I think when I finished university I had forgotten some small part of who I was (again...it's so easy to do) and I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life...I didn't know what exactly my strengths were and there was just so much that I didn't know. It was only when I completely immersed myself in something totally different that my convictions gained strength.

I've always wanted to be a poet. Not the kind of poet who writes poems... no verse, no stanza, no rhyming, no taking 5 lines to write a sentence with only 12 words; i've given up on being that kind of poet years ago, but I still want to be a one, of some kind. I want to be able to write things that make people feel, that make people think. I want to sit at my laptop with a glass of red wine (i'm actually doing that right now...but it's not quite what i mean), smoking a cigarette (not doing), wearing a broad brimmed black hat the covers one eye, and feel.... I want to feel French when I write. I know that must sound silly, but I do. I want to be a French poet who writes things that mean something to someone other than myself.

I always romanticize things so much. Is that bad? It it the reason why I have such great expectations...why i'm such a dreamer?

I caved

2008-04-21T06:01:00.000-07:00

I realized earlier this week why exactly i'm not meant to be a teacher...I can't do big groups of people. I can't control people and I don't want to control people. I'm not good at getting a big group of people, even a class of 11 students to listen to me. Aside from asking nicely, I just don't know how to do it and i'm so tired of trying. 1:1 I totally rock. It's why I think I was a good R.A; I could talk to residents and i'm a good listener and I can give advice that can be helpful sometimes. But this...this teaching thing just isn't for me. I feel so useless and powerless. I don't have the majority of my students respect and I have no idea how to get it. They like me, on a personal basis, but i'm not necessarily a good teacher...tutor, yes. Teacher, no.

I feel like a jerk. I'm starting to give up. I can see the end of my teaching career in site and I know that i'm leaving in 4 months and i'm slipping. It takes so much effort to care and i'm finding myself not caring as much as i should and my students don't deserve that and I feel like jerk. I have a responsibility to not give up... at least until this term is over.

On another note, I'm feeling oh so much better today. This weekend was rubbish though; I was in such a rut. And I was doing that thing where I was bummed and I needed friends, I NEEDED to be around people, but I was too bummed to do anything about it, so I stayed inside and made it worse. I felt as if the sandcastle of my life was stomped on and that nothing was right and I was lonely. I was bummed about about my job; I was having issues, and still am, with STA travel refunding me my $500 (from DECEMBER!!!), my credit card was (and still is) freaking me out. And I felt unattractive. I've felt like I wasn't thin enough to be pretty since 8th grade and I identified all and made a list of all of the different kinds of lonely I was feeling. It isn't the most i've ever felt at once, but I still think it was a significant amount of lonely. I felt:

The loneliness of not having a family
The loneliness of my last living grandparent dying of lung cancer
The loneliness of not being able to go home and help her
The loneliness of not having a real home
The loneliness of being single for like 2 years now
The loneliness of Adam Harrison being the closest I’ve come to being in a relationship and that was last year and he turned out to be a major douche bag
The loneliness of not being able to speak
The loneliness of being too shy even when I can speak (to foreigners I see at random places)
The loneliness of almost encounters
The loneliness of not enough
The loneliness of my sister having everything so together
The loneliness of not having anyone here that I’m close enough to, to go to them when I’m bummed
The loneliness of being too lonely to be proactive and seek out friends
The loneliness of remembering whom I was with and what I was doing a year ago today (Porter field with Ryan, Ariel, Jimmy and Hilda)
The loneliness of not being noticed
The loneliness of being stared at
The loneliness of fear
The loneliness of empty houses and no one there to greet you
The loneliness of counting down the days until I can go home
The loneliness of being excluded when you need people the most
The loneliness of needing
The loneliness of drifting away
The loneliness of want without motivation/energy
The loneliness of waking up alone
The loneliness of being
The loneliness of not being yourself

What I was feeling this weekend is still lingering, but i'm feeling better. Writing helps. And so does cleaning my kitchen and every corner of my living room and so does coloring in the coloring books that Kelly and Ada sent me earlier in the year. Well, that's all for now. Time for bed.