December 2006

LittleOhki: you should tell me a story! You're good at stories
ChouChou115: Once upon a time in a land where candy canes grew instead of trees and mini marshmallows fell instead of snow (so that when you were leaving your favorite cafe, your hot coco would taste extra sweet) there was a little girl named Lolo. Lolo was average. 5"5'. Brown hair. Green eyes, but she had the most captivating and loving personality EVER, so that wherever she went people found themselves drawn to her. They wanted to be near her in hopes that some of her postive energy, happiness and goodness would rub off.
ChouChou115: Despite all of this however, Lolo was lonely.
ChouChou115: she wanted a friend to make cakes for and hold hands with...someone to be her partner in crime
ChouChou115: but every one just wanted to her "friend". Nothing more. Nothing less.
LittleOhki: :-(
ChouChou115: And it it common knowledge that a partner in crime must be there for the long run. There for the ups as well as the downs.
LittleOhki: definetly
ChouChou115: you cant risk having someone desert you and tell your secrets of the great candy store theft of '98, where all the chocolate disappeared without a trace by morning...
LittleOhki: !!! no more chocolate!
LittleOhki: heehee... i bet lolo ATE it all! or made it into cakes :P
ChouChou115: However, one day in the ice cream store she stumbled across someone who ordered the same delicious combo of peppermint ice cream, sprinkles and gummy bears as her! It was a sign.
ChouChou115: he was bad ass
ChouChou115: and tough
ChouChou115: and he drove a motorcycle. Really. Really. Fast.
LittleOhki: EEEH!
ChouChou115: he didn't want a silly girlfriend
LittleOhki: :-(
ChouChou115: but he was looking for a mischevious lady would would help him figure out what to do with the products and outcomes of his mischief (of which resulted in a giant sized....think uncle scrooge, duck tails sized.... safe filled with glitter, chocolate, candies, books, paper, glue, games, vespas etc)
ChouChou115: and he thought she'd do
LittleOhki: :-)
ChouChou115: he thought they'd make a quite a team, and he was right.
ChouChou115: They went out, played and made mischief of one kind and another.
ChouChou115: They bought deep cherry red paint to paint the town with
LittleOhki: :-)
LittleOhki: !!!
ChouChou115: they made such a mess
LittleOhki: eeh! :-)
ChouChou115: but one day, when they were planning to cut down all of the candy cane trees to make a fortress out of....
ChouChou115: he didn't show up
LittleOhki: :-(
ChouChou115: and she didn't see him for 2 weeks
LittleOhki: :-(
ChouChou115: and when she did finally see him he was hanging out with another girl....average, like her...but no where near as awesome. She was angry, but determined that she would someday get the last laugh. Fortunately, her last laugh came sooner than expected, for one week later he tried to take this new girl out on a mischief seeking extravaganza filled with candy from the candy shop liberations, puddle jumping and leaf kicking
ChouChou115: but she sucked.
LittleOhki: haha! yay
ChouChou115: she accidentally hit the alarm when they were liberating the candy and they had to run away empty handed...the puddles she found weren't deep enough to make a mark and the leaves she found were too wet to kick up into the air and have fall down like powdery snow
ChouChou115: by the end of the day the boy with the motorcycle realized that the girl he "got tired of" and "didn't want to commit to" was the only one that could be his perfect partner in crime
ChouChou115: but by then it was too late.
ChouChou115: she had already built a candycane fortress and empire on her own
LittleOhki: !! good for her!
ChouChou115: and was wooed and loved by all
ChouChou115: she was wooed until she found someone perfect... who knew, like her which leaves were good for kicking and which flowers were perfect for picking and where and when to make mischief and how to get away without a trace...as if by magic
ChouChou115: and they lived happily ever after
LittleOhki: :-)
LittleOhki: yay i loved your story!
ChouChou115: The End!

June 2007

Once upon a time there lived a girl. She was a dreamer and a make believer. She saw different worlds and was always oh so very disappointed in herself when she tried to paint them because they were never exactly like what she saw in her mind. She had the most vivid dreams too! She dreamed of escape and intrigue and purple giraffes. She dreamed of traveling and flying. She dreamed of what different people would be like if their skin color changed with their mood and she dreamed of perfect weekends away with her sister where they would sit in east coast cafes and drink coffee and eat cake (with extra frosting on the side of course). She usually only had dreams once, but that changed one day. She started having this reoccurring dream about a boy. He seemed quite real sometimes. In some of her dreams he was smart and in others he was creative and intelligent and in other reoccurring dreams he was a bodyless shoulder suited perfectly for a head to rest on. But because it was only a dream it was ephemeral and unpredictable. Some months she had the dream and others she didn't, no matter how hard she tried, or how lonely she was.
Then one day she decided that if a boy could be a dream, then perhaps she too, was a dream...and if she were merely a character in a dream, she could do whatever she wanted. And, in a swirl of phantasmagorical light the world changed. The trees were now purple, the sky polka-dotted and she now looked different, felt different and was different. She began to eat cookie dough ice cream instead of mint chocolate chip, she slept on her stomach instead of her back and she began writing in rhyme instead of reason.

So this girl, when she sadly realized that she could not keep the boy (like she wanted so terribly bad to do), because he was only a dream and because she too was a only a character in a dream, she decided to live up her new life. She played and frolicked and howled with friends in classes that were not theirs. She baked parrot cakes and peach pies and this went on for years. She was so happy and her reoccurring dream began to visit her less frequently and she slowly began to be ok with this. However, one day, roughly 3 dream-years later (kind of similar to dog years, but a bit longer), in the middle of a pirouette, she stopped. There was sudden thought that struck and it made her stumble and fall. She realized that she was afraid and she knew that ballet slippers and pink tutus wouldn't be able to take that fear away this time. Her usual tacts might not work this time. She was afraid of the future. She was afraid of transition and change. She had gotten so comfortable with her world, she was even comfortable with the things in this dream world that made her distressed and cry. What if she were to wake up from this dream one day? What if the trees went back to being green? What if she stopped having time to paint and climb her giving tree? What if, in the middle of some adventure abroad, she were to realize that she was terribly, heartbreakingly lonely? What would she do then? How do you live outside of a dream? What do you do when you look up and the sky is no longer polka-dotted but a calming shade of blue?

She thought about this for quite a while. She began finding herself in the middle of class stuck in the doledrums, in her thoughts, in a daydream and then suddenly coming to, when the sudden hand raise of 3/4s of her classmates caught her eye. She pondered, and went on walks and had quite serious conversations with her fluffy white cat, who reminded her that all she needed to do was stretch and sleep and curl up and purr on someones head when they were distressed (or some human equivilant). This was good advice for her to feel.

After some quite serious deliberation she finally made a choice. She decided that she was going to be OK, because she had to be OK. She chose to hope and chose to live in her dream and keep wearing her ballerina slippers when she wanted to dance and her fake glasses when she wanted to buckle down and do work. She decided that she would keep on dying her hair when he life needed a change of pace. And she decided that smiling felt so good and doing nice things for other people felt even better and that she would keep on doing this and be happy.

And that is exactly what happened. She lived happily, and sometimes sadly and sometimes confusedly, and sometimes adventerously, and sometimes compassionatly, passionatly ever after.
The End.

Once upon a Place

Once upon a place, because "once upon a time" has been used far too often and is begining to lose it's magic...

Anyway, Once upon a place there lived a girl who didn't quite stand out. She was ordinary. She had adventerous stories, but none that she could turn into books, she loved the theater and the arts, but was too shy to be an actress and she was cultured and well read, but to quiet and "nice" to argue and speak out loud. She simply blended in. She wasn't savy in asking for attention... knowing how to to say " Hey! Look at me! Hang out with me! Instead, she busied herself. She did homwork and read and filled out paperwork for her next trip abroad. She did things that she thought sounded improtant and she always said phrases like "I have so much reading to do" or "i'm so busy...I havent' slept in days" just so she could distract herself from things that she was feeling. She only drew attention to herself when she dyed her hair for a change of pace or when she bursted out in fits giggles when random people did silly things periodically throughout the day.

One day however, she didn't feel so ordinary. She felt happy...alive. She went to work early in the morning and had a dreadful feeling that today would be one of those hectic days where an extra hour of sleep in the morning would have been useful. However, at the end of her shift, when she said goodbye, she knew that she would be missed by the man with no eyes. And knowing that you'll be missed is a powerful thing. It holds a sort of magic that can't be seen with the eyes, only felt with the heart. The girl decided to go with this change of direction and let this new feeling take her where it may. She swam and laid in the sun and ate dinner with a friend and did the things that made her feel good and by the time she had to take her exam, despite the length of it, it didn't get her down.

Now this girl, already feeling like she stood apart form the backdrop and not just blending into it, wanted to take everything one step further. She had this idea and she had wanted to do it for a while, but was always too afraid and too ordinary to do anything about it. But this night, with it's clear sky and bright flickering stars, was different. She had found a partner in crime who had a bit of mischief in the corner of his smile and she had the energy. And so off the two went into the woods, down the hill across the plaza and down to the pool. And from that point on adventure, lawlessness, laughter, fence-hopping, swimming, very mild paranoia and trouble ensued. It was terribly fun and envigorating.

But, in a *flash* of hot pink and gold glittery light the Canadian Mounties appeared wearing their slick black pants, vivid read coats, chocolate brown boots and silly beige hats (fortunatly, none of the mounties had bayonets...for those are far too dangerous). The Mounties saw the trouble makers and tried to catch them and lock them away in a Canadian underground prison, but, either the Canadians were jet lagged by their time/place travel and were too slow or the mischief making duo were too fast, but one way or another the two were able to jump out of the pool, hop the fence, run through the sprinklers and escape into the night and neither of them looked back until they were safe inside the warmth of the house.


Ummm...there is more to say, and A LOT to edit (but editing isn't something I do) but I think i'm done for now

The End!

Once Upon a February (2008)

Once upon a February in an indiscriminate place at an unknown time there lived an elephant named Rupert Cornielus Barthalamew P. Jones, a name quite befitting of an animal with such big ears and such a grand imagination. Rupert Cornielus Barthalamew P. Jones, or Rupert as he was often called by those who knew him (despite the perfection of his given name,it was quite a mouthful at times)lived a happy life. He was(on most days) surrounded by love, friendship, excitement,bumble bees, Stargazers, orange roses, comfort, chocolate-covered-peanut-croissants and just enough responsibility and work to keep him grounded and give him a sense of challenge, achievement and independance. He was a happy elephant who could dream of, but couldn't really ask for more; life was just as it should be.

One day on his way home from... where ever it was he was, he found himself at the edge of the world. It wasn't exactly the edge of the world but, it being the ocean, was close enough. As Rupert was standing in the silky sand looking out at the water in hopes of seeing mermaids, pirate ships, and hot air balloons that rose up from past the edge of the world, he had an idea. He wanted to go swimming, just to see how far he could go. He had gone swimming in pools, rivers, lakes, streams and sometimes rather large puddles, but never in the ocean. He was excited to have something new to do. He stood in the place where the sand touched the water. He collected himself and mentally prepaired himself for jumping into water that he knew would be cold and would give his elephant skin goose-bumps. He took one deep breath in, exhaled, took another deep breath, held it and dove in! HE WAS SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN!!!! "How cool is this?" he thought to himself. He was oh so proud of himself for trying something new! He swam around for a while and then decided he wanted to explore the bottom of the ocean, so he dove down. But something happened as soon as he did that. He found something rather unexpected and he didn't know what to make of it. Instead of finding fish, bubbles, shells, treasures and little red and yellow plastic buckets that got swept away with the tide, he found himself in a place entirely new. He wasn't even in the water anymore.

Rupert looked around in complete shock and silence for about 56.7 seconds. He didn't know what to do or what to make of his new, peculiar surroundings. He had no clue where he was or what had happened. Instead of being in the ocean, which he knew and which he was familiar with (despite only swimming in it once), he appeared to be...he didn't know where he appeared to be, everything was so new and strange. There were animals with wild feathers, peculiar fur and behavioral habits that seemed to him utterly pointless and odd. He was standing on a very narrow, gray un-even sidewalk,the air smelled of fire and vegetables, he was shivering from the cold (this was MUCH colder than the ocean) and he was wondering where the snow was coming from. It looked almost as if he were in a snow globe. It was night and when he looked up he saw nothing but the absence of color and shapes. He didn't see clouds where he would have expected to see the snow falling from. He was curious. It was windy and the snow just appeared to be coming from everywhere. Huge flakes blowing form the right, the left, in front of him and behind...they were all swirling around in quite the flurry.

After another 56.7 seconds, he realized that standing around was getting him absolutely nowhere. He was shivering and his nose and ears which were both very large (especially in comparison to the other animals here)were very very cold and the cold was starting to spread to his arms, legs, toes, back, belly and tail. He decided to walk and get moving. If he was unable to stumble across answers, which he hoped to find, he would at least be doing something to warm up and he would at least be exploring (a popular hobby among elephants...especially elephants named Rupert). As he walked he slowly stopped shivering (which was good), but instead of finding answers, he just kept finding more questions (not so good). Everything he saw he enjoyed; he liked the novelty, adventure and he liked the story that was slowly unfolding in this strange place...the people back home would absolutely LOVE to hear it! He was happy for the most part. He was thrilled with his adventure, but he still couldn't find what he was looking for (answers to where he was and eventually, a way back home and he was getting sleepy. He decided to curl up in a nearby forest whose trees offered protection from the wind and cold. He hoped that the people back home wouldn't worry too much.

That night was filled with the most vivid, swirly, colorful, chaotic dreams and when he opened his eyes in the morning he was well rested, but it somehow seemed as if he had been sleeping for 6 months as opposed to 6 hours (elephants don't need as much sleep as people, just for the record). That morning he quickly freshened up by the river and set out to find the answers to his increasing amount of questions. He explored more, saw more places, met more people but to no avail. He didn't know what to do anymore so he just, almost in hopelessness, sat down. He cried little elephant tears of confusion, fatigue from all of his fruitless effort, and homesickness and once that was done, he had a moment of clarity and with that clarity came happiness and calm. He realized the he was going about everything all wrong. Instead of spending his time tirelessly looking for keys to open the mysteriously locked doors that this place was filled with, instead of seeking the answers that were not, could not be given, he should be living. Living his confusion, living his frustration, living his questions. He should be live everything and find beauty in the things that he is living. And at that moment, in that instant of clarity and calm, he saw a fish. And he loved that the fish was swimming in an invisible stream in the middle of this strange land and then he saw a whole OCEAN of fishies and he was back home. Well, not home, exactly...he was in the middle of the ocean, which only fishies, sharks and plastic buckets can claim as "home", but he knew where he was and he was happy. He swam up to the surface and back to the shore. He sat on the beach until a purple sparkely sunset started to appear and thought of his exciting adventure.

The end.

Jerome-Phillipe Ettienne Piaff

Once upon a day with a periwinkle sky there lived a little giraffe named Jerome-Phillipe Ettienne Piaff. He was a French giraffe who lived for Sunday morning croissants, waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and coming home to see Stargazer lillies in a vase on the kitchen table. Jerome-Phillipe was kind, charismatic, selfless, spunky and a tad sassy, but only when he didn't get enough chances to nap in the sunshine or stretch his long giraffe legs. He was a happy giraffe and was very grateful for his (what he considered,)breathtakingly beautiful life.

However, despite his happiness and fortune, his life was not perfect. He was only 2 feet tall and for a giraffe, this is indeed quite small. And sadly, most likely due to his miniature stature, he didn't have many close friends. He had friends, whom he absolutely cherished here and there and he had had crushes and butterfly kissed girls in the past, but something was always missing. There was always a very thin, very frail piece of silver string that he couldn't quite cross, that got in the way of him making more friends... becoming closer with others.

Despite this pesky little piece of string that he couldn't cross and the things that made him sad when he closed his eyes to sleep at night, he still didn't want to grow taller. He stubbornly refused in a Peter Pan-esque way. He would toss his head to the side and suggest a game of hopscotch to change the subject. He didn't need to be tall; he was happy. He believed that he liked his height. He liked the hiding places he could squeeze into and the fact that since he was closer to the ground he could smell all of the flowers that much better. But most of all, he liked who he was, as he was. He knew he was an imperfect giraffe (like so many others) and he was ok with that. He was familiar with his size, accustomed to it and didn't want to change and grow. But really, and what he wasn't aware of, was that he just didn't want to grow alone. He didn't like the idea of him doing something that others didn't have to do. And so life went on. There were good days and bad days, play days, working days, caramel, fudge, strawberry and whipped cream sundae days and healthy vegetable days and he was content.

But one day, perhaps an apple and peanut butter day, as he was walking in his garden, past the hydrangeas and through sunflowers that were as tall as he was, he stumbled across a spottless toad sitting on a dahlia, who looked as if she had just been crying; she had a drained, sad look in her eye. When Jerome-Phillipe approached her and asked if she was ok, the water-works and tears that she had finally gotten to stop, came right back out and all the composure that she had managed to regain was lost in an instant. She sobbed and told him of her worries, troubles, stresses and heartache and how she had no spots like the other toads. How she didn't have the close friends she craved because she had no spots and how she was too afraid to grow them. She told him that it hurts so much to grow spots...to pull them out from inside so that they could show on the outside. It feels worse than pulling teeth out or someone pulling your hair. She told him how she didn't want to, couldn't grow spots alone; it would just be too hard...

When Jerome-Phillipe Ettienne Piaff heard this he couldn't believe his ears. Never before had he met someone that he could relate to and empathize with so well. He told her how his own problems almost mirrored hers. How he too, was afraid to grow. How he didn't want to grow taller because he knew it would hurt and he was afraid. He told her that growing taller, just like growing spots hurts... a LOT and that anyone who tells you otherwise has never really grown or is just plain lying. Muscles are pulled this way and that, bones lengthen, skin is stretched and tugged, your body goes into chaos and on top of all of that, you need to figure out how to adapt to your new, unfamiliar body.

You need to unscramble the mystery of how your new muscles work, how to get your body to do what it needs to do. He told her how longer legs require you to be steadier on your feet, because it hurts more to fall from a greater height and how new, taller bodies aren't as flexable so you musn't bend over backwards so much, how longer necks don't fit through all doorways, so you have to pay more attention to your surroundings, how old words would sound funny coming out of elongated vocal chords so new words must be sought. And how, in addition to all of that, new habits have to be learned because a taller, more curvaceous body won't fit into old habits and needing someone else to pull you out of an old habit that doesn't fit any more is always terribly embarrassing. He told her how it all sounded like so much work, so much thought and effort...so daunting and how he couldn't bear to do it alone. He was afraid to do it alone, he was afraid of becoming something different than what he was at this moment. He didn't know what it would be like, or if he really could do it.

And so they made a promise to each other, that Jerome-Phillipe would try to grow taller and Lilly-Anne (the toad)would try to grow her spots. And so they tried. They met each day and tried together and when it started to hurt too much or when one of them couldn't take much more work, they would both take a quick break (that would of course turn into hours) and they would play in the river or on the swings that hung from the old, gnarled oak trees or they would make castles behind the protective walls of the weeping willows. And through all this, they became best friends. They knew each other better than anyone else in the entire WORLD and their friendship was filled with unconditional love and they eventually forgot about growing. They stopped needing to TRY to grow. Growing didn't matter any more because they had found what they were looking for all along, someone who really knew them. Jerome-Phillipe didn't even notice when he was able to reach the cookies on the top shelf without needing to stand on a chair. And likewise, Lilly-Anne never noticed the day when the spots she had unknowingly grown had started to be able to change shape and color depending on how active her imagination was or her mood (no other toad's spots could do such a beautiful, marvelous trick).

They didn't notice their growth and that was ok, because they lived happily, magically, splendidly, chaotically, beautifully ever after.

The end

The Exciting Life and Times of Rosie Raccoon

Once upon a time there was a sweet, clever little Raccoon named Rosie. Rosie loved colors, numbers, books, songs and playing with her friends Jessica Giraffe, Jennifer Goose and Melissa Moose.

Jessica and Jen loved Rosie very much and were so happy that they could play with her every day. They pretended to be lions in the jungle, speckled frogs on a log and on some sunny days they were even princesses riding their bikes to school.

Even though they were such great friends, Rosie Raccoon was growing up. She was great at math and reading, she could solve almost any problem and she would soon start going to school to learn even more! But this meant that she wouldn't be able to play with Jessica, Jen and Melissa as much. It was a little scary and everyone felt a little bit sad and that was ok.

But soon enough, Rosie was going to school and making lots of new friends. Everyone LOVED to play with her because she was sweet, kind and so great at so many different things. Rosie and her new friends were happy.

But from time to time, Rosie Raccoon would miss Jessica Giraffe and Jennifer Goose. Sometimes big hug from her mama would make her feel better, but if a hug wasn't enough, Rosie knew that she could always call Jessica or Jen to say "hello!" and tell them all she learned at school. And suddenly, they had even more things to share together!

The End

I like the Weepies

Yesterday, when you were young, 
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone, 
What can you do? 

You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step, 
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be, 
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now 

"Can't Go Back Now" - The Weepies

better answers to a few questions

Sometimes I get super shy, quiet and awkward around people I should be comfortable around, it happened again this weekend and I really wish I knew how to get over it. It used to happen a lot in college and I hate it so much. 1:1 I'm so good with people. I know how to talk and hang out and be socially normal. I don't get noticeably shy. And when I travel I'm super good at making friends with people in hostels and going out with people I hardly know, I even get along great with homeless (and oftentimes, mentally unstable) people but as soon as I get in a group of people that I know, but not very well the shyness starts to act up again. I love Joel and I love Caitlin and they're 2 of my favorite people at work and I know they don't judge me and when I'm at work or one on one with them I know how to hang out and it's cool but as soon as I'm placed in a new situation or in a group of people whose group I haven't been a part of in the past, part of me freaks out and gets shy, I get worried that people won't like me or that I'll come off as weird and uncool as I feel. New scenes also make me shy... like shows. I like going to them, but I haven't really gone to many in my life and so I feel like I don't fit in, or I'm not "cool" enough even if I do or am (i used to feel that way at bars, and clubs... it took me a while to get over that.... thank you Nicole (even though you don't read this)). I don't know. I'm weird sometimes, I still sometimes think about getting anti-anxiety meds, but something (perhaps just laziness) always holds me back. Even though I always hope hope HOPE that nobody notices how awkward and shy I get in random social situations, I'm always, secretly really grateful when they do notice and ask me if I'm ok (thank you marina).

Pictures: I used to LOVE getting my picture taken. I LOVE attention, I LOVE being the center of attention and that's exactly what pictures are... it's lasting attention focused on you. And part of me still likes pictures and wants to get pictures taken of me, but most of me hates it now. I started hating having pictures taken of me in 8th grade when I first became aware of how much I weighed in comparison to my friends (10lbs more... part/most of it was muscle from swimming and part of it was me being an early developer ) and ever since then I've hated pictures. I don't like pictures because I don't like my body... my stomach, my lacking jaw line and pictures remind me of how I look and when I see pictures of myself I always think "do I really look like that???" and then I get a little bit sadder and a little bit more disappointed in myself for not being in better shape. Don't get me wrong, I'm not neurotic about all pictures, there are lots of pictures of myself that I like.... I wouldn't have like 500 pictures of myself tagged on facebook if I didn't like most of them, but generally speaking, I just don't like having pictures taken of myself. 

That's all for right now; I need to get to bed... work in the morning... ick! 

I like to bake for people when I'm bummed out and need validation. I'm also a huge fan of retail therapy, when I can afford it. 

To Do List

Tomorrow, or later today I suppose, I would like to:

Clean/bleach the bathroom

Fill out an auto loan application

Clean... really really clean my room... vacuum, dust, hang things up, (really) make my bed... tuck in the sides, make sure it looks perfect, organize my drawers.... the works

Make a bag of stuff that I can get rid of and donate to goodwill as I really don't need 1/2 the things that have accumulated in my room.

Go to work and make money

Hang out with Larry

Hang out with Nicole and hopefully spend the night

Eat really healthy

Floss

Take my dog on a really nice walk

And I think that's it.

On a completely different note, I'm thinking about seeing a psychologist and seeing if I can get a a perscription for Atavan, or any other anxiety reducing drug. I was given some after my surgery and it was amazing.... I slept better and it made holiday family get-togethers SO much more bearable and I took my last one tonight before I went out to hang out with some friends from work and it was AMAZING! We went out to dinner, went ice skating and I had a fabulous time with everyone.... they're all just so splendidly wonderful and beautiful and I could talk to them all without feeling gangly and awkward. I think taking Atavan before meeting up with everyone (that I still don't know really well) helped me to be more myself... to feel the way I want to feel around these people, mainly, comfortable and at home and not so afraid. 

 I'm AWFUL at making new friends. I get really shy, really really shy and I back away and I find reasons not to call back and sometimes lie about not being able to hang out, even when I have absolutely NO reason WHATSOEVER to be shy. I get shown nothing but kindness, positive regard and  efforts to be my friend. I have no reason to think that all of these people "don't really want to be my friend" and yet I do... it's so strange. I know that making friends takes a lot of work, that they don't just magically happen, especially the older you get and I don't mind working hard for something I really want (and I really want friends) but when the vulnerability card comes into play I freeze up so fast! It's ridiculous! But with Atavan the freeze-up doesn't happen, I feel more myself and when I hang out with people I can live in the moment and not worry about nonesense.  But I still don't know about it. I don't WANT to take drugs for things like that. It seems like it's just me taking the easy way out. I don't WANT a lot of unnecessary crap running through my blood stream. Maybe I should just try a bit harder at really putting myself out there first and then, if I still can't, maybe I could talk to someone. 

update

breast reduction and FABULOUS (still relatively big) new boobs = FABULOUS

Grandma dying and now being without someone to dance with me in the kitchen = bad... very very bad; I miss her so terribly much. I was so close to her. le sigh

Retail therapy and finding an oh so sassy Betsy Johnson nightie on sale for $26 (originally $70) = Such a happy feeling

Sleep overs with my big sister = eep! I love it so much! I LOVE going to sleep with someone else in my bed! It's such fun to stay up and talk until I fall asleep. I love when we do sistery things

Spending the weekend chez Nicole= FABULOUS I can't wait to pack my bags for a weekend in the city

Having crushes on a hundred million different boys (coffee boys, work boys, stranger boys, suicidal boys, happy boys, T.V boys...) = don't really mind it. None of them will every go anywhere, but oh well, it's fun and tres entertaining! 

I've been really really really happy lately. That's all. 

I've cried just about every day this week. There's something seriously wrong with me. I wish that I still had Larry as a friend. He's disappeared and i've needed him so much recently. It's really bumming me out.... i'm down to 1.5 friends which isn't so bueno. But on the upside, I think i've been permanently placed on a route which means that i'll FINALLY get 8.5 hour days as opposed to 6 hour ones and hopefully that'll help me to sort out my life again

I want to buy....

1. 2 new pairs of really nice/good quality jeans. The 2 pairs of jeans I own now have holes in places inappropriate for work.

2. Nars blush

3. Urban Decay eye shadow in purple, green, gold and brown

4. Pink Sugar purfume

5. A tandem skydiving jump

6. A place to live/rent

7. Either a Honda Civic, VW Jetta or a Ford Focus (What's your vote?)

8. Gel skin for my mac

9. Christmas presents for people

"How are you really doing? " or "Heavy Boots"

I made myself throw up today for the 3rd or 4th time in the past 3 years. I heard really really bad news about a very dear friend of mine and I didn't know how to deal with it. My stomach got in knots and it was uncomfortable and I didn't like it and I just wanted for the feeling to go away and with less thought than I expected I did what I did whenever I visited/lived at home during the 6 years that I was bulimic. I went into the bathroom, turned up the music (so my mother wouldn't hear) and made myself throw up, then brushed my teeth, wiped my tears away (the force of making yourself throw up when you don't have to, has always made me tear up) and went on like nothing happened. I visited my friend and ever since I got home from seeing him, I've had to make a conscious effort to not throw up again. The idea is just in my head and it won't get out. It's a constant murmur in the back of my brain saying "Throw up! You'll feel better! No don't! It won't make ANYTHING better at all! Feeling pain yourself won't take away any of his! It won't solve anything! But it'll make the uncomfortable knot in your stomach go away!" over and over and over again. It won't get out and it's making it awefuly hard to concentrate. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do or say to make him happy enough to want to... I just want to be able to do something, to make it better, to make the pain go away. I want to know what he wants. 

At the school for Autistic kids that I work at there are a LOT of self-injurous kids. Kids that will just get so upset and so frustrated with.... with their inability to be understood, to have their needs met, their inability to articulate, sign, say, draw what they need and want. They'll have to pee really really badly, but they don't know how to simply ask for, say "Bathroom" and no one knows what they need or takes them there from some psychic ability to read autistic minds and so they get upset and frustrated and you know they need/want something but not what and they'll take their fist and start beating the crap out of their head or jaw or cheek or start gnawing away at their hands and they'll work themselves up so much and they bruise and callous and bite themselves (and sometimes other people... i've been there 3 weeks and I already have my fair share of battle wounds) and they go through all of that just because they can't tell you that they'd like to use the bathroom. They hurt themselves because they can't say what they want and if I had just know that they wanted the bathroom in the first place all of that hurt could have been avoided. I was thinking about my kids all day today when I was with my friend. Maybe if he could just tell me, if he just knew what he wanted then I could get it for him and he wouldn't have to hurt himself anymore.... If he could just say "I want...I need.... please show me where it is" then I could get it and then he wouldn't have to hurt himself anymore. Or maybe it isn't that simple at all. I still have yet to decide if life, people, wants and needs, everything to do with living is too simple, impossibly simple or too complex for even words.

I like working at my school. I love working at my school. I wish it was closer, that I had more hours and that it paid better but I feel like what I'm doing is good and worthwhile. I love my job to my bones; it feels good to go to work, I feel like i'm good at it and that this is exactly what I need to be doing in this point in my life. It's hard, I have bruises, my hands look like I have a new kitten with very sharp claws, my mother wants me to do something "less dangerous" but I can't imagine, fathom quitting. I love all of my kids too much to quit. I HAVE to see them. They make me a better person. They've helped me to become more understanding, patient, they've showed me so many truths by being so different and so similar to "normal" kids. They just want attention and affection, but they want it in their own way in a way that will work for them. My first day working with Daniel was challenging. He doesn't like transition, or change; he needs warning, time to prepare himself (this is the last song.... circle time is almost over) and my first 45 minutes of ever working with him were beyond difficult. I think he was getting used to being at school and trying to get into school-mode and he didn't know me or what I would be like and so it took ages to get him to follow me outside to go on "pondwalk" and for the first 3 blocks of our walk he kept getting himself worked up and we kept needing to take breaks. I kind of think he was testing me. One time when he got upset I had to hold his hands to keep him from hurting himself and he went after me... he grabbed my arm and left bruises... I have 3 little Daniel fingerprints bruised into my arm and I just had to calmly tell him that it was ok, and ask if he needed a break or wanted to go back to school or keep walking and we took a break and by the time we walked to the intersection everything was ok again. He calmed down and he let me sing to him and give him flowers and the rest of the day was excellent.... he started to trust and listen to me and it was the most amazing day ever. The bruises he left were nothing but the fact that a crappy start to a day turned into an amazing day with a field-trip to the Oakland Zoo was moving. I love that kid so much. I love all of my kids; they're all so friggin brilliant. They inspire me.  Erich Fromm, my favorite psychologist once said, conceded that the art of loving is exceptionally hard in American society.... where everything is a cost/benefit ratio, where people see the world through capitalistic eyes. People are "in our league" or "out of our league" because of the way we match up on paper. He's a football player, hot etc and I'm in the marching band, with a little bit of tummy chub and for what he's offering, he can get more/better etc.... everything is reduced to what we can get for what we have to offer, but Fromm had hope and a plan. He thought that one way to improve our mastery of the art of loving is to find "A career in which we can practice love without ceasing to function economically" and I think i've done this at my school, and I think that's why i'm so happy despite my life which is in a bit of turmoil at the moment. My job lets me care and love, and help and practice love... real love... showing and acting love instead of just saying it in words that get used far too liberally. It's a good job. Another thing that Fromm said that I like, believe and feel someway connects to what I do is that "We have faith in the potentialities of others, of ourselves and of mankind because, and only to the degree to which, we have experienced the growth of our own potentialities. " I think this is why i'm good at my job. I know my students can do so much, because I keep seeing them improve and do better and get the hang of asking for "bathroom" everyday I seem them improving and everyday I can see myself growing and reaching new potentialities. I see myself becoming better and so I can see them becoming better too. It's a nice thing to see at work.

Boarders is closing, so that's all for tonight. 

P.S. I love you.

Table of contents:

1. Pilgrimage
2. Larry
3. Closing thoughts

I’ve recently decided that I really really really  NEED a pilgrimage. I need something physical, something to push me… to change me. One of my realizations since I’ve been back from Japan (I’ve had LOTS of time for thinking) is that I’m always my happiest when I’m on some sort of thing that pushes me, some sort of mini-pilgrimage. I’ve hiked Half-Dome, Mt. Fuji, lived in Japan for a year, did Habitat for Humanity in India for 10 day (so physically exhausting, but not nearly long enough), I’ve  bungee jumped, I backpacked solo through Peru for a month and trekked the colca canyon in Peru (2X as deep as the Grand Canyon and the 2^nd largest in the world). I’ve done lots of little things, but nothing that I would qualify as a full-on pilgrimage.  In the past I’ve really wanted to go to a Boot Camp ( I still want to) and I still want to go to a fat camp ( I know that sounds silly, but I want to go) and I don’t know. I think I’ve always CRAVED something challenging. I need to prove to myself that I can do things other people can’t do. I need to push myself more than other people need to be pushed. Anyway, so tonight I decided what my pilgrimage will be. It is silly and it probably won’t happen, but I had an epiphany and now the idea is rooted in my head. I want to go on Survivor. I want to be plopped down in the middle of nowhere with only the clothes that I’m wearing. I want to be part of a tribe (In my Moral Psych class we had a bit of a tribe and it was such a beautiful experience), I want to be physically and mentally pushed. I want something hard. I want to not have electricity, to not have conveniences, to find my own food, to live the way that people were originally supposed to live. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I. WANT. A. PILGRIMAGE. I want to be on Survivor.

Ok, that aside, topic #2. Larry. I really don’t know what it is about that boy that has me completely obsessed. I’m really afraid that I’m going to scare him away. I talk so much around him. It really isn’t good.  It’s weird. I’m so bad at making new friends. I don’t know how to do it like a normal person. I don’t know how to be a normal person. I just get really really really excited about having new friends that I get kind of manic and neurotic and say things like “lets do this and this and this and be best best  friends FOREVER!” And I know it’s bad because I get to the point where I have to say to myself “woah there…. Calm down little spirit fishy…. Just calm down”. But I NEED him so much. I really don’t have many friends. I have Larry, Natalie and Kelly and that’s about it right now. I mean, I know other people and I have other “friends” I suppose…. My sister and her fiancé and other people who I say hi to online from time to time but never see anymore (living in different cities/states/countries etc) but right here, right now, it’s just the 3 and so I need Larry to be my friend. I NEED more friends and I really really want him as a friend. I never feel like I have to be anyone around him; he never judges and he’s just a good, solid, genuine, nice person and he has this weird stabilizing effect on me and heaven knows I need more of that in my life. I really hope I don’t scare him away. I hope he wants to be my friend too.

Well, that’s all for tonight I think. I need more water. I also need to go to bed by 1 tonight so I can be at the gym by 10 tomorrow (I want to say 9, but that sounds a bit unlikely if I’m going to be honest with myself)

The End 

lots of random thoughts

1. I LOVE working. I like being around people. I like having a schedule. I like tips and cash. I like regular paychecks

2. DENIS CARON SUCKS because he: 

a. doesn't care enough to read and/or comment on my blogs anymore

b. hoards notebooks that aren't completely his

c. doesn't talk to me anymore, which makes me sad because he used to be one of my most cherished friends

3. I had the BEST party a few nights ago. I had a FABULOUS time, I made new friends, I was silly and very VERY drunk, I kissed a boy and I got to see friends who i hadn't seen in FOREVER and I just think everyone had fun. PLUS it had added awesome points because it was a backyard gazebo party and we were able to bring my tv/dvd player outside and watch movies out there... YAY!!!

4. I LOVE Larry and I don't know what it is about him that has gotten him INSTANT best friend status, but he has it and i've strangely started obsessing about just how awesome he is. I don't know, some how it feels like he's connected himself into my life and he's stuck there now

5. I really really really like living with Natalie. Having her here is so good for me, it's so healthy; my house is much less lonely. I like having a person to talk to before i go to bed, someone to see and hang out with. Having her here makes my parents house so much less lonely and SO much more bearable. Thank you Natalie. I love you so much

6. GAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! DUDE!! I really friggin want to start working at my other job! Working at the gelato shop is great and I love it, but I want my 'real' job to start. I really want to start working in my field... with all of the adorable, fun, fabulous autistic kids at the ABC school!! I'm so impatient!

Hrm

I'm good. I think I'm good. Things are changing.... well, I hope things are changing. I need a job and I hope I have a job. I might have a job, but it's such a long process. I've applied for a sub job and an Special Ed. Assistant Sub position at the Mt. Diablo Unified school district and a Special Ed. Assistant Sub position in the SF Unified School District. I've been fingerprinted in both districts and i'm scheduled for an orientation at Mt. Diablo and I should be cleared in the other district as soon as my fingerprint check goes through. So I know I might have work, but i'm just tired of waiting. I'm tired of sitting. I'm tired of not having money to go out... of being afraid to go out and spend any money at all whether it be on gas or drinks or brunch or baking supplies

Twenty Three list

Recently i've been working on a list of things I HAVE to do before I turn 24. Up until now it's been mostly a mental list, but i thought i'd put it down somewhere, so here goes:

1. Get a job -------- Done. I have TWO!!!!

2. Move out and find my own place

3. Take, and do well on the GRE

4. Go sky diving

5. Go to Vegas (never been)

6. Go to a strip club (never been)

7. Banish all of the weight i've gained since my freshmen year of college

8. Go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium

9. Visit Seattle for a long weekend

10. Have 5 dates with my grandma. --------Done

11. Take the CBEST and MCAT -------- Nope. Don't want them, nor do I need them any more

12. Find my perfect graduate program

13. Work on being more decisive

14. Work on my social anxieties and not being so afraid to go out and hang out with my friends sometimes

15. Get a cell phone ---------- Done

16. Save $3,000--------------- Done

17. Go snowboarding or skiing

18. Have a picnic day at Mt. Diablo

19. Visit 1 new country (an easy/cheepish one to do.... Canada/Belize/Guatamala)

20. Start eating breakfast more regularly--------------Done

21. Find an exercise program or routine that I like doing and can stick to

22. Spend time with Ryan, Ariel, Erika, Zach and Kimmie. ---------------- 4/5 done

23. Spend more time in SF with my sister ------------Done and i'm going to keep going

That's all for right now, but i'm sure i'll add more later

Priority list

I'm starting to go into the bad place again. Yesterday I was driving home with my parents from a family friend's place (mom and dad in the front of the car, me in the back) and I started crying and if you know me at all, you know that's a bad sign. I NEVER cry in front of my parents or anywhere near them; it's too dangerous. It wasn't crying crying, just just looking out the window and tears just starting to fall and fall and fall crying. Thankfully they never turned around and saw me. Today while I was driving to meet a friend the tears found me again.

Bad place.

I called another friend tonight which made the bad place a little darker. I feel like I'm drifting away from him, that I'm not as important to him as I used to be... lower on his priority list than I used to be. And I understand and it happens, but it's just making me sad and I think it's making me especially sad because it isn't just happening with him, it's happening with a few people, my sister (who should be my best friend) included. 

I'm feeling lost and overwhelmed with starting my life over again. I feel stressed over not having a job I feel stressed over money and I feel lonely. I'm not the most important person in anyone's life right now and that's a very lonely feeling. 

I'm starting to shut down. Build up Fort Jessica. Overwhelmed with everything so I do nothing and see no one, it isn't a healthy response but if i don't do anything or see anyone then I can't fail and I can't be rejected.

I miss my sister. I miss Denis. I miss Ariel. I miss Erika. I miss Ryan. I miss Jess and Hannah. I miss Anjeli. I miss mattering to people. I miss being a bit higher on people's priority list. 

Readjusting to life back in the states is a lot harder than I anticipated. I'm not handling it very well. I really wish I were back in Japan... that I re-contracted.